We have two ears and one mouth. This is no coincidence. We usually avoid difficult conversations when we feel good, but when we are stressed or tired, we deliberately or unintentionally let slip what is deep inside because we can’t keep it in. Marital communication helps us to connect with each other emotionally, but how is the right way to go about it?
All of us are unique. Therefore, every couple is different. And so are our relationships. There is no one-size-fits-all magic formula for “living happily ever after”. Marriage requires commitment, effort, and sacrifice. Marriage and relationships can and do work, despite the overwhelming reports of divorce or breaking up and its implications on our social and emotional well-being. The issue at stake is not the marriage or relationship. The issue is whether we as individuals have what it takes, or at least try to contribute towards developing and sustaining a meaningful partnership, making this work. And when we struggle, are we willing to seek support or guidance?
We are currently living in ever-changing times and emotional maturity might be just be one of the things that will keep us sane. Emotional maturity consists of two components, firstly your ability to understand and identify your emotion and being honest about your feelings. Secondly being able to manage that emotion no matter what circumstances you find yourself in. Emotional maturity are the little golden nuggets of life.
Wees dus realisties oor wat om te verwag. As jy weet soos wat jy weet soos wat jy weet daar gaan ‘n geveg losbreek oor die kleinkinders se speelgoed wat oral rond lê, berei jouself voor hoe jy gaan reageer as dit wel gebeur! Deurdink moontlike konflik situasies vooraf en dink na oor hoe jy dit gaan hanteer.
At the end of the day if I want to gain my self-respect, self-worth and independence back it is important for me to establish boundaries and enforce them. It is healthier to set boundaries than it is to put up walls or constantly be resentful towards others for taking advantage of me. It is my responsibility to teach others to respect me and my boundaries and to be patient with myself while doing this.
A very personal account of a journey to surviving infidelity – Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
The concept of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is generally quite well known in society these days. The problem was that although I could relate to the PTSD symptoms identified in research, most of the articles only mentioned people who experienced or witnessed a terrifying event such as assaults; murder or natural disasters. At the time I was unaware of PTSD for people who experienced infidelity and didn’t realise it actually existed. Even when I researched Infidelity PTSD, it was difficult to find any article’s mentioning it until I discovered one, written by Mitzi Bokmann (2019) that I could relate to. As I read through the PTSD symptoms, I realised that I experienced all of the symptoms and maybe by writing this article I can help others relate to it as well.
So your child comes to you and tells you he is gay or she is lesbian. You feel that the earth has dropped out from under your feet. You look at them and try to read their faces. A million questions go through your mind. You look at them and wait, are they joking? Your mind screams, “Please just laugh and say I’m only joking”. It does not come. You realise this is real. You feel for a moment you’re in a Mexican standoff.
It is easy for a platonic friendship to evolve into an emotional affair. All it takes is time, emotional investment and a little denial. Make sure that you and your spouse have very clearly defined boundaries when it comes to friendships and stick to these and respect them.
Liefde is een van die sterkste emosies wat ons as mense kan ervaar. Maar wat is liefde? Daar is ‘n groot aantal boeke wat liefde definieer en vir ons voorskryf hoe dit moet werk. Die probleem is egter dat niemand anders liefde soos jy sal voel nie.
Anri raai paartjies aan om ‘n bietjie bewus te raak van al die klein, alledaagse dingetjies wat hul verhouding uniek maak en om te kies om dit waardevol te ag. ‘n Groot bos rooi rose sal enige meisie se hart laat smelt, maar die klein dingetjies soos koffie in die bed of sagte soentjies op jou voorkop, iemand wat aandagtig na jou luister terwyl hy/sy jou in die oë kyk terwyl jy praat…dis hierdie dinge wat ‘n gevoel van veiligheid en geliefdheid bring. Moet ook nie terughou om jou partner so te bederf nie
"Everyone has the right to privacy" is a statement that I often hear in relationship counselling. These types of defensive statements often arise in situations where one partner is trying to justify keeping things from another. And, of course; this statement isn't false - every individual does have the right to privacy... but is there a difference between privacy and secrecy?
How much time do you actually invest in this relationship? No one needs to explain to anyone these days how busy life has gotten, and I get that. But what are we actually filling our days with? How many instances in your day to day life, has someone you desperately care for, asked for your attention, where you “had your hands full”?
‘n Verhouding bestaan uit twee diverse indivdue. Elkeen het ‘n unieke stel verwagtinge, unieke lewensuitkyke, unieke behoeftes en agtergronde. My idee van “hoe ‘n vrou behoort te wees en hoe ‘n man behoort te wees” word beinvloed deur my agtergrond, my voorbeelde, my keuses en my ervaringsleer. Al trou twee mense van baie enerse agtergronde met mekaar, is die klein verskille wat daar wel bestaan, steeds meer as voldoende om groot probleme te kan veroorsaak. En nou plaas ons hierdie twee, unieke mense onder een dak en ons sê “wees nou gelukkig” – dit is nie net so eenvoudig nie.
Geen twee mense is presies dieselfde nie en daarom is dit ook so dat wat jy as romanties beskou, dalk mag verskil van wat jou vriendin as romanties ag. Dieselfde geld ook vir die verskille in behoeftes en verwagtinge van verskillende verhoudings/paartjies. Ek glo vas dat elke paartjie oor tyd hul eie romanse-definisie vir hul verhouding kan saamstel.
Lig het vir Anri gevra wat haar opinie rondom vriendskappe tussen getroude mense van die teenoorgestelde geslag is. Lees gerus haar volledige antwoord hieronder
Nie net dit nie, maar ons word bombardeer met Facebook-verhoudings. Foto’s van heerlike vakansies, lekker oomblikke saam, oë wat blink en brëe, gelukkige glimlagte, vul sosiale media op ‘n uurlikse basis. Hierdie bombardering skep by meeste mense ‘n totale vals persepsie van hoe huwelike werk en hoe “gelukkig” almal om hulle is. Daar is ‘n algemene tendens tussen meeste mense om hulself, hul verhoudinge en hul lewens te vergelyk met die brokkies inligiting en gedokterde foto’s op sosiale media. Die afleiding of gevolgtrekking wat dan hier gemaak word is dat daar fout is met hulle as paartjie. Die feit dat, dit ‘n split sekonde verg om ‘n foto te neem en dat meeste mense baie maklik, baie fake kan glimlag vir daardie split sekonde, word hoegenaamd nie in ag geneem nie; dis makliker om die valse prentjie wat geskep word as die waarheid te aanvaar.
Verhoudings is nie altyd maklik nie… en om op te breek is soms bitter swaar; veral as dit 'n langtermyn verhouding was. Al wil sommige van ons dit dalk graag ontken, is dit tog maar 'n proses om deur dinge te werk en te kan aanbeweeg. In hierdie artikel, beantwoord ek 'n paar vrae rondom verhoudinge en ekse.
Healthy relationships are ones where trust is a very definite and present component between two people. Dishonesty, for whatever reason, has the ability to shatter this trust, which could completely destroy the emotional connection and -security in a relationship. Intentions and context are relevant aspects to take into consideration, and there could be scenarios that do not warrant reactions of certain magnitudes. Once trust has been broken in a relationship though, even smaller, seemingly unimportant things, could become very definite triggers of emotional insecurity and suspicion. Although there are certain instances where lies and withholding of information are warranted to a degree…
Remember, parents are basically always going to be parental. This means that when a parent in some way gets involved in his or her adult child’s personal problems, the parental instincts will kick in. Years of powerful emotional connection simply cannot make way for clear and objective analysis, support and feedback. And when we have a third person or more involved (such as a spouse or grandchild), good intentions can lead to relational conflict no one hoped for.
In today's society we are bombarded with information and self-help books on how to have healthy relationships. Some of these books share their complicated views on what a relationship should and should not look like. The truth is that there is no universal law that states what the perfect relationship is because there is no such thing. We as people are different and so we want different things out of our relationships. Although all relationships are different there are some universal truths. Here are some signs that your relationship might be in trouble….
I don't believe that the power of positive thoughts has the ability to trump all other factors in play. I don't for one moment believe that I can pass an exam, on the power of positive thinking alone for example – maybe I just don't get it. In my opinion; that’s pure stupidity…or wishful thinking at the very least. I do however believe; with all my heart; that our thoughts very definitely can and do influence our emotions and our experiences; no doubt about that!
Being married and a mom of two, I have first-hand experience in how difficult it is to make time for you and your partner to just connect. One of the big challenges couples have is time. My advice to couples is to really try and get into the habit of having, at the very least, two hours a week for just the two of you – without the kids! And make sure that the time you spent together is worth it! That brings me to the next tip;
During premarital counselling; we teach you a very practically applicable tool set or skill set, that you can use to navigate your relationship to the best of your ability.
So pre-marital counselling will help you discuss the things that could be issues in your relationship at one point or another – no such thing as the perfect relationship- and get you guys on the same page from the start.
Most of the couples we see; say that problems started slowly at around 2 years after marriage, and just increased as time went by. A big problem is our expectations of our partners and our marriage/relationship. We have this beautiful, perfect picture in our minds of what married life is going to be like, what our partners are going to be like, and as married life continues, reality starts intruding into this fantasy world and disappointment, confusion, doubt; all are plenty full.