VitanovaPTA

We all have emotional, physical, social, intellectual and spiritual needs. Because all of us were uniquely and wonderfully made, our needs will differ. This difference in needs can make some relationships more difficult. 

Alle gesinne het hulle eie tradisies wat hulle spesiaal maak. Om die nuwe jaar te begin wil ek graag ‘n paar van hierdie tradisies en gewoontes bespreek wat 2015 saam met jou gesin spesiaal kan maak. Probeer om van hierdie gewoontes ‘n daaglikste deel van jou gesinslewe te maak.  

We need to recharge and re-energise and fill up, so that we can soldier on again when the time comes. But what if you are holidaying with family members…this in itself could offer up some challenges. But now, let’s add to that; toxic family members!? What do you do and how do you handle it!?

Healthy and effective communication between parent and child is a great way of ensuring that communication channels remain open. So really focus on your side of the conversation; model healthy and effective communication whenever you are talking or listening to someone and try and engage your child in conversational topics as often as possible.

In families where children are abandoned, ignored or emotionally, sexually or physically abused – the children are left with very poor self-esteem – and we have discussed the importance of a healthy self – esteem in a previous show already, but children with a poor self-esteem will be at a greater risk to fall into this trap.

If it is a secret that has a direct impact on your partner, I feel it is your responsibility to come clean; regardless of what you fear your partner’s reaction might be. 
If it is something that happened somewhere long ago in your past and has absolutely no influence on your current relationship, make sure of your motivations and the outcome that you hope to achieve by sharing your secret. Will the reveal of this secret make you as a couple stronger, or help your partner to understand you better, or is it something that might do more harm than good.

The definitions for “heard” given by Thefreedictionary.com include; “to learn by hearing” and “to listen attentively” and I think this about sums it up. We as human beings have the need to share our lives with one another and with that, the need for someone who wants to share our lives, who wants to learn more about who we are by listening attentively to us…

Marriage counselling is not a magic wand that can be waved over your relationship, fixing everything on the spot. Marriage counselling is a tool you can use if you choose to do so. It requires a willingness from the parties involved, it requires you to put in the effort, to go and actively apply what you learn during the sessions to make it a success. So; how effective is marriage counselling? How effective do you want it to be?

I see quite a number of people who want things back to “the way they were” when they just started their relationship; and I get very surprised reactions when I tell them that this is impossible. You are not the people you married anymore. Things happen- life changes a person; your relationship changes you. The key here is to grow together; to keep that connection between the two of you. If a couple fails to do this, they might end up as two individuals; simply co-existing under one roof.

Here's the thing about communication; it's inevitable. Whether you are the life of the party or the biggest introvert on this planet; at any given stage of your daily life, you are communicating. Even if you are not saying a word to anybody, you are still communicating…

As life goes on, challenges are faced, conquered or failed and we grow as people. Life throws its punches; left, right and centre and people adapt and change.  If we are not in constant communication with one another often, how do we ensure that we grow together, instead of apart?

If we cannot grow together; we end up as two individuals, co-existing under one roof…comfortable in our unhappiness…

BREAK THE CYCLE OF ABUSE. It can end with you. You don’t have to stay in an abusive relationship – you can break free. Get out of the relationship before you lose yourself completely. Some of us actually don’t view the acts in this article as abusive – to us it might be a normal way of communicating. But it’s not. Become aware of your own abusive behavior and change it.

It also includes an array of emotions that can be absolutely all-consuming at times: anger, grief, loneliness, self-doubt, depression, distrust and constant suspicion; on the side of the betrayed. But the betrayer also goes through a lot of emotions on his/her side: overpowering guilt, anger at self, helplessness the list is surprisingly long. An affair rarely happens in a vacuum, so often times there are other underlying issues; besides the affair and the consequences thereof, that also needs attention.

Die herhaalde en langdurige gebruik van stilstuipe in verhoudings, lei daartoe dat die ander party (slagoffer) in die verhouding nie die vrymoedigheid het om eerlik te wees oor emosies en of gedagtes nie omdat hy/sy die uitsluiting vrees. Stilstuipe maak dus openhartige en eerlike kommunikasie onmoontlik en sonder effektiewe en gesonde kommunikasie tussen twee mense, is 'n gesonde gebalanseerde en bevredigende verhouding onmoontlik.

Self-love is a term that is thrown around quite freely; and is often thought of simply as a state of feeling good about one’s self, but in actual fact it’s way deeper than that.

The easiest thing ever to do in a relationship, be it a friendship, be it a marriage or a couple who have been together for some time, is to point the finger at the other person. The easiest thing to do is to spot the other person’s faults and contribution to the mess you’re in; and in all fairness; let’s be honest – that other person might have a hell of a lot of faults and contributions to the problems you are experiencing! But seeing as this is the easiest reaction to the problem, this is the one thing we do fairly quickly and often without letting up. These are the things we end up focusing on completely and without fail and it almost gets to a point where we are just waiting for this other person to make one of their usual mistakes so that we can again point it out to them by either verbally/physically attacking them or by getting all upset and withdrawing even further or even by getting all emotionally upset and starting yet another set of crying displays. The list of reactions goes on and on and on.

Young children are; more often than not, better at adapting to change than older children, especially teenagers. But all children need a sense of safety and structure. When introducing your new partner to your children; remember that a teenager would probably be more angry and resistant than a young child. Your child’s ability to handle emotions and life changes will also be dependent on their developmental phase. Don’t expect more than your child can give you. In explaining why this new person is coming into your life, note that young children might not understand it and older children might not accept it.

Most people get a knot in their stomach when they think about introducing there new partner to their children. So many things can go wrong…What if they don’t like him? What if he ends up not liking them? How am I supposed to choose? I’ve got good news, you don’t have to choose. You can have both romantic love and the love of your children.

“How do I know that this relationship I am in; is a good one?” is a question that we at the Vita Nova counselling center are often asked.  The mere fact that the questions is asked in the first place, shows that so many people are genuinely confused about what makes a relationship a good one.

In many ways though, the answer will depend, to a large extent, on the specific individual asking the question. We all need different things when it comes to relationships, but, there are certain universal principles, or actions, that I feel, should be part and parcel of your relationship, if you would like to be one of those seemingly “lucky” couples who has it all. 

It is easy to forgive the stranger who profusely apologised right after bumping you with a shopping cart in the store. Or the person who spilled his drink on the floor right next to you, almost soaking your trousers and leaving a ghastly stain… certainly way easier than forgiving you partner for his/her “sins”… no matter how profuse the apology might be…