Since starting this series on forgiveness, I’ve been focusing a lot on it in my sessions with couples; firstly by trying to understand their own, personal perceptions and- understanding regarding the concept of forgiveness and then by introducing my proposed definition thereof to them and asking their opinions on it.

In my previous article; “What is sincere forgiveness?” I proposed that sincere forgiveness is an act of compassion whereby I choose to let go of the past, completely in order to set you free of the “obligation” you had to repay it. I therefore do not hold it against you, or bring it up to prove a point, to punish you or to protect myself; because it is cancelled, it is behind us. In so doing, we as a couple have the opportunity to grow and to move forward, if we so desire.

Responses and reactions to this definition varied, but what never fails to amaze me is how differently we each look at and think about concepts like these…and how surprised some couples were at the differences in opinions between them; which is a reminder, again, of how we shouldn't just merely assume that we completely understand exactly what the other person means when we talk about such issues…

The one thing that has stood out for me these couple of weeks is the fact that; everyone agrees and understands that forgiveness is, in actual fact, a choice that has to be made; something that has to be decided on, and then implemented.  This idea of forgiveness as a choice was not something that all my clients believed or supported when sitting down at the beginning of our sessions though. Many claimed that, although they want to forgive their spouse, the hurt and the pain caused cannot be ignored. The past cannot be forgotten, boxed away, never to resurface again. What happened; happened. And nothing can change that. What they were describing to me almost came down to them being held victim by the incident, or rather the emotions caused by the incident. 

When we looked at what the factors were that stood in the way of them forgiving a spouse or a loved one, anger, resentment, pain, bitterness, hurt, disappointment…all of these came up. It was as if they were saying – these emotions conjured up every time this incident replays itself in my head, are so intense, that forgiving this person is not possible. My next question seemed to hit a nerve though “what if you can never forgive this person…what would happen to your relationship and what would happen to you as a person?” answers varied off course, but none were positive. It came down to these emotions mentioned; anger, bitterness, negativity and resentment defining them, consuming them and relationships falling apart.

I would then redirect them to the proposed definition of forgiveness; and tweak it a little…if sincere forgiveness has as a potential outcome or result leaving  the past behind you so as to allow you as an individual the opportunity to move on…would that not be a good choice to make? Does that not then reclaim your authority over these emotions… giving you the power to decide whether they are going to define you, whether something that happened in the past is going to take control over your present and your future…  At this point I would just like to stress again. Sincere forgiveness does not make what happened to you okay. It does not necessarily take the pain or the hurt away, but it does make going forward a possibility.

You have a choice to make… are you okay with becoming that person or with your relationship going that route? You either give your power; and your present and –future; away, not to the person who has wronged you, but to the emotions threatening to consume you. Or you choose to fight against being swallowed whole, and it is this choice that is completely and utterly yours to make, that enables you to start the process of sincere forgiveness.

Article 1 – What is Sincere Forgiveness
Article 2 – Forgiveness Starts With A Choice 
Article 3 – Forgiveness Is A Process