Let’s face it; having to change your status from “Taken” to “Single” is never easy. No matter how good or how bad the relationship; it’s only natural for two people involved over a long period of time to start dreaming about their future together; you make certain plans, talk about personal hopes and dreams and how that all fits together. Sub consciously you start creating this perfect picture of the “us- in-the-future”, but more than that; everything else about your future in general has this other person entangled in it in some way, shape or form. Therefore when a relationship ends; added to the loss of the hopes and dreams that you had for the two of you together; you may also experience immense uncertainty regarding your own future in general. When a relationship ends, it’s a case of having to untangle yourself, your life and your future from this other being completely.
This “detangling” is not an easy process, because it is almost as if you have to find yourself all over again and through the process, hopefully find an answer to “Who am I; without this person in my life?”
In order to get to a point where untangling yourself is possible, there are a few stages that you might have to go through. I would like to share these with you, so as to give you some insight into what’s going on in your head and your heart when a relationship ends. These aren’t necessarily in any specific order. People differ and how we as individuals handle situations therefore will differ as well.
When we think of the word “grieving” most of us automatically think that this is only applicable in cases where someone has died. It’s not. When a relationship ends; you are grieving. You are not only grieving all the hopes and dreams you had for your future, but you are also grieving loosing this person as a part of your life. In many cases, some people experience this grieving process worse than they would have; had this person actually died. Why: because when a person chooses not to be in your life, but is still capable of being there; that hurts. When a person is still very much alive, walking around and going on with life; but is no longer a part of yours, that hurts.
Understand that grieving is a natural part of a break up, accept this and give yourself some time to grieve properly.
What does this grieving process look like?
1) Shock and Denial
These are often the first to be faced when a relationship ends. Of course the extent to which these will influence or impact you, greatly depends on whether you are the one instigating the break up or the person on the receiving end thereof.
If you are the one breaking up with a partner, obviously you would have had some time to think this over, plan your strategy, revisit your decision and so forth. But you will also have gone through some degree of shock and denial throughout this process of deciding whether or not to end it. By the time you’ve made up your mind, you have already worked through some of it though. Be aware however that, even though you are the one who decided to end things; these two might come back to visit you again throughout this grieving process.
If you are the person on the receiving end of the break up; it’s only natural that this might impact you very deeply. Thoughts like “it can’t be”, “there must be some mistake” and so forth will pop up in your mind. Physical symptoms like shortness of breath, heart palpitations, feeling dizzy or nauseous and blurry vision, to name but a few; are common. This phase might last minutes – quickly followed by the next phase or it might last several days – leaving you in a haze of confusion.
2) Anger
Being angry at your partner for breaking your heart is completely natural and normal! Even other people close to you, could be on the receiving end of your outburst even though they do not deserve it all. Be careful, as anger is a very powerful emotion and can be very toxic if not worked through properly. There is nothing wrong with anger itself; it’s what you do with your anger that could be a problem. Find healthy and safe ways of letting go of the emotion – hit n boxing bag, get rid of all the weeds in your garden, put on your running shoes and hit the tar; physical outlets will be very beneficial here. And when you mess up and react in anger to the people who are trying to be there for you, apologise. Don’t allow this situation to interfere with good relationships in your life – you need the support!
3) Bargaining
It is not uncommon to find yourself thinking of ways to re connect with your ex. Thoughts like “maybe if I change this or try that, he/she will take me back” or “if only I were more spontaneous or fun, this wouldn't have happened” could be lingering in the back of your mind at some point. It is important, during this stage, to remind yourself that no person can change another and if you need to change who you are in order for someone to want you in his/her life, the relationship is not worth it! So take note of these thoughts, evaluate them objectively and replace them with a more positive, serving thought. Don’t allow these negative thoughts to take rout in your mind and heart.
4) Sadness and/or withdrawal
Not being able to get out of bed for a period of time, not wanting other people around, uncontrolled bursts of tears and sobs; are all just a normal part of the process you are busy with. Do not try to suppress these emotions. The deeper you push a ball under the water, the harder it pushes back, and if it slips out from your control, in the tiniest of ways – it shoots out of the water at a completely different spot than where you are standing. Same is true for emotions. If you do not allow yourself the time to completely experience the emotion, for it to run its course and to deal with it; it becomes a ticking time bomb; unpredictable, just waiting to explode in a different area of your life.
Many people are very afraid of allowing themselves to feel sad or depressed. “I hate being pathetic” is something I hear way too often. In these cases, it is easier to cling to the anger, to feed the anger that they are experiencing; in so doing trying to avoid the sadness. Being sad is not pathetic! It is a very necessary part of “getting over” the loss, the hurt, the betrayal and so forth. Just go with it.
5) Acceptance
Even though it might not feel like it at the moment, at one point or another you will get to a place where you accept what has happened, and where you can imagine a future without this person in your life. It might start out as a mere fleeting thought; disappearing out of your mind almost as quick as it entered, but at one point or another; you will realize that you are strong and capable. That there are lessons that you can learn from the past and that you can actively apply these lessons in your life, going forward. A point where, even though it might still be a little sad, you realise that you can untangle yourself, your hopes and your dreams, your future from this other individual.
Going through a grieving process is not like climbing a ladder what so ever! You don’t tick these stages off and move to the next one, never to see the previous stage again, no. Grieving is like riding a roller coaster. One day you can imagine moving on, the next you are angry at everyone, yourself included, the next day you can’t stop crying. This is normal – every person grieves differently. It’s important to note as well, that you can’t really stick to a time line here. How long does it take to “get over someone?”… It takes as long as it takes.
Make sure that you have a good support structure around, make time to find out who you are as an individual, start reconnecting with yourself a little – take up that hobby that you always wanted to but never had the time for. In everything, allow yourself to fully experience each stage! Deal with it, as it comes; don’t allow yourself to get stuck though. Actively work at forgiving and moving on, when the time comes.
Good luck!