1. Adoption is a lifelong process- how do we, as parents prepare mentally for this process?
It most definitely is a lifelong process, but I think prospective adoptive parents can prepare effectively by educating themselves better on the issue of adoption. There are plenty of resources available books written on the topic, a number of experts in the field or join a support group in your area – get some information from other families who have been through this.
2. How important is extended family's support?
Well, I always believe that support from family and friends are important just in order to cope with some of the everyday challenges that we face throughout life; and even more so in situations like these. When older, the child will have one or several of a few different reactions to being adopted; they could vary from being grateful that you chose him/her, to anger, resentment and absolute defiance towards you. Stuff like “you’re not my parents” might pop up every now and again, and it is in these times especially that you need the emotional support from family and friends.
Raising an adopted child though, is basically no different than raising a child who is biologically yours – every child needs the same basics- love, acceptance, affection, discipline, routine, a stable family life, emotional security. And so on. They say it takes a village to raise a child and adopted children are definitely not excluded here. Just as biological children, they will push the boundaries and test you, they will rebel a little or a lot at some point, the manner in which they do so might just differ.
3. If we have kids already, how do we prepare them for the new addition into the family?
I think it depends on the age of the biological child as well as the age of the child who you are adopting, also on the reasons why you are adopting.
So if you are adopting a baby and your biological child is a toddler, for example. You can get him/her a baby doll to play with and to nurture and take care of, so that you both have your own baby. This is also extremely good idea when you’re pregnant, to prepare a little on for a new baby in the house.
If the child is older though, you will have to explain that this other child is coming to live with you permanently, because he/she does not have a mommy or daddy or a family, so you decided to give this child a family. Be prepared though – your child might at some point, more likely than not, act out frustration and or anger, because this other child will be a threat to him/her. So it is important to get professional help if you see that this is too difficult for you to resolve.
Also important here is to be fair, don’t make the mistake of being unfair because you want to be nice to the adopted child; this will just cause a lot more resentment and hurt.
4. When, in your opinion, is the “right” time to tell the child that he/she is adopted?
Oh, I think from the get go. A nice idea is to have a birth story for every child in your house.
So you tell them on a regular basis how special he/she is, by telling this story. Mommy and daddy couldn't have a little baby of our own, so we went looking for a baby who was extra special. And so forth. Important is to keep your story focused on your end of the situation and thus on the positive aspects thereof. You were so excited when they told you that you could go and pick him up, and the first time you saw him you felt overjoyed …
It is very important that you talk openly, positively and honestly as far as possible. It is extremely important that the child hears that he or she has been adopted, from you as the parents. If the child hears this accidentally from someone else, the connotations to this fact will be overly negative and it might lead to the child not trusting the parents any more.
Also, in adolescence, a lot of insecurities and questions arise with regards to identity, and if the parents where consistently open and forthcoming, bridging these challenges might be a whole lot easier than if it were not the case.
5. How do I support my child, who’s being teased at school for being adopted?
You know what, kids can be so mean and hurtful to one another, it is not even funny. You as a parent can’t change the fact, but you can be your child’s safe place. Make it easy for your child to talk about what happens at school don’t just brush it off as silly nonsense between kids, because for your child, it might feel like the end of the world. This also leads to a lot of insecurity, why didn’t my biological parents want me, and what did I do wrong and so on.
So you just be as patient as possible, try and answer all the questions in as positive a manner as you can and reinforce the story/idea that he/she was “handpicked” by you.
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