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1. Raising children can be a challenge for any parent – would you say it is even more challenging for single parents?
You are absolutely right when you say that raising children is a challenge for all parents. Unfortunately there is no book that teaches you how to be the perfect parent. I believe that parents do what they can, and sometimes they make mistakes – we all do. Raising children in a single parent household can be more challenging because of the lack of support. The one parent must for fill all the roles and that can be very difficult to manage. Is it impossible, no, nothing is impossible, but single parents need more support from their external resources, such as grandparents, to help them. When single parents don’t have much external support, raising their children can be more challenging. We all need support and we need to know when to ask for it.
2. What are your thoughts on single parents who tend to treat their children as their peers?
Children should never be held responsible for adult emotions and thoughts. Within every family we have roles to play. Being a parent is a specific role, your children are your children, not your friends. Every child needs boundaries and structure to develop healthy behaviour patterns. If the roles are not clearly defined, children will not know what to expect from the world and they will not know what is expected from them. This creates feelings of uncertainty and children in these circumstances feel unsafe. When children feel unsafe their cognitive, social and emotional development can be negatively affected.
I don't think that parents should confide in their children about adult issues. There must be a clearly defined boundary when it comes to talking to your children and confiding in them.
3. Some children would tend to blame their parents for everything that goes wrong in their lives –what’s the best way to deal with such a child?
All children become angry at some point. That is why parents must make sure that they give their children every opportunity to develop into responsible adults. Here is some tips in what children need for effective growth and development:
- Anger and blame are secondary emotions – this means that there are usually other feelings hidden underneath them – feelings like sadness or fear. Give your children the opportunity to talk about these feelings. They need to know that its ok to feel them.
- Never blame your child for your circumstances. You chose to have your children and they need to, above all else, be children. Children should not be held or made responsible to handle your emotions. When your child feels rejected from conception or birth, you will create a person that never feels accepted or good enough.
- Children need to be given the opportunity to play and have fun. Children grow, learn and express themselves through play. They are not little grown-up and should not have adult responsibilities.
- Give your children unconditional acceptance and love. When they feel loved and accepted they will not feel rejected by you and they will have a sense of belonging. This should make feelings of anger and resentment less.
- Know when to ask for help – sometimes children need to go through a therapeutic process. This will help them in dealing with their emotions within a safe environment.
- All children need routine, structure and predictability. This will help them learn what they can expect and what is expected from them.
- Just like us, children have their own unique temperaments – take your child’s temperament into account when teaching your child coping skills. Some children have more relaxed and logical temperament and they will be less likely to challenge you. Other children are more emotive and might need more time and more frequent opportunities to express their emotions.
4. Any tips for single parents who feel they are failing their children when it comes to discipline etc.?
- Like I previously said, role definition is very important. Your child needs to know that you are the parent. That means that you're not always going to be the good guy. They need a very secure routine and predictability.
- Some children are easy to discipline. Some children can be more challenging. When a rule makes sense to them, they are more likely to abide by it. I find that when your child is actively involved in the rulemaking process, they tend to be more willing to follow them.
- One of the pitfalls that a single parent needs to be aware of is guilt feelings. Sometimes single parents feel so guilty about their situation that they overcompensate by spoiling their children. This creates a gateway to future behavioural problem.
- You know your child better than anyone. Use a discipline style that works the best for your child. Some children react positively towards a timeout, other children might need a more hands on approach such as taking a toy away.
- All children need boundaries and rules.