1. How would you describe a temper tantrum?
Usually a temper tantrum is a very loud show of protest on your childs’ behalf, in response to not getting his way. Characterized by screaming, shouting, crying, kicking, throwing himself down on the floor – it can be hectic!
2. What usually drives children to throw tantrums?
Causes could vary, but not getting his/her way is a big one. Being overly tired or hungry or simply wanting attention. Frustration is often the leading cause; so parents standing their ground, denying a child something that he wants to have or something he wants to do could therefore be one of the biggest reasons.
3. Is this a natural reaction to a certain situation for kids (or is the intention to drive their parents mad)?
It’s very definitely a normal reaction. The child is faced with immense frustration, disappointment and has a need to voice this frustration, in the hope that the parent would realize how important this situation is. The problem is that the child’s understanding of language and situations far out-weighs his ability to verbally communicate and this leads to the huge frustration mentioned. As the language skills develop, so the tantrums should start lessoning.
4. Is there a particular stage where parents should expect more tantrums from their children?
I think between around 18 mths to about 2.5 years old is tantrum areas, but it could start as early as 1 already. It is during the toddler stage that children really start developing a will of their own. They want to do things themselves and they want to do it their way. And this is a necessary stage to go, through! As is every other life stage. This, however, sets the stage perfectly for power struggles to occur, and power struggles lead to frustration, which in turn leads to a temper tantrum.
5. Can tantrums be avoided at all and what’s the best way to deal with them?
It very definitely depends on the specific child involved, but I believe that the number of tantrums can be lessoned, through being consequent and putting your boundaries in place. Remember that it is your childs’ job to push at those boundaries to see where you draw the line, and push they are going to push against it!
Best way to deal with it is to stay calm yourself! Don’t yel and scream back at your child. Just acknowledge the feeling you think your child is experiencing and state your boundaries clearly. “Mommy can see that you really wanted to stay at the friend’s house a little later, or I can see that you are really angry about leaving, but we need to go now”. But rule out physical reasons as well- is your child hungry or overly tired?
As said previously – it could be attention seeking behaviour; so try and avoid that, by rewarding positive behaviour with a lot of attention. So in other words; when your child is being good or playing nicely, really praise that and spend some quality time with him/her.
Also give the child some control over little things; give him/her choices: do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue one? In so doing you help fulfil the need of autonomy.
6. Last week, we spoke about “rewards” – is it advisable to reward a child after a tantrum drama?
No. Remember that a bribe is used to change a child’s behavior on the spot. So in other words: “if you stop the tantrum, I’ll do the following”. Where as a reward is discussed beforehand and is given in response to good behaviour. So rewarding after a tantrum will inevitably reinforce the tantrum-behaviour. But there is nothing wrong with rewarding by praising and acknowledging the fact that the child has stopped the tantrum.
7. Some children even hurt themselves or others during this moment – is this the time to get professional help?
They often do this in order to get you to respond, so my advice is to try and ignore it if possible. If your child sees that there is no pay off, he might stop the hurtful behaviour. Best option here is to simply and calmly remove your child from the environment if other people are being hurt and to put him/her in a safe place where the tantrum can run its course. Be sure to talk calmly but firmly in clearly understandably language; “we don’t hit when we are angry” for example. When the child has calmed down, reintroduce him into the environment, ask nicely for an apology and then forget about it. But if this is something that you are having trouble with or if the hurt your child is causing himself or someone else is too much to handle – get help!
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