How to help your children when they do not like what they look like and have general problems with their self-image?
1 What do children generally base their image of themselves from?
It’s very important to say that self – image starts forming at birth, because we take the messages given to us by primary caregivers about ourselves and we internalize this. Erik Erikson, is a very well-known developmental psychologist whose developmental theory is one of the most widely used theories when it comes to personality.
He divided life into 8 developmental stages, starting at birth already.
So in other words, how we look and what we wear is very definitely a byproduct of what we think of ourselves – and this “perception of what and who we are, starts forming at birth.
In my opinion there are 3 major role players or influences throughout these different stages with regards to what children base their self-image on:
- Parents
- Peers
- Media
2. What is a difference between a young child/ pre-teen and teen when it comes to their perception of their image?
For A young child, what my mommy and daddy think of me and my abilities – that’s the truth. So I believe everything they say and think. If they say I’m the most beautiful little girl in the whole world – I know I am exactly that. So the parents are the primary influence on self-esteem and self-image.
This is the case up until around age 6, where the neighbourhood and the schools influence starts getting a little bigger. Here they start saying things like – I want the same dress or shoes as my friend etc. This is a very social stage of development and they start copying, in a small way, influential people in their lives. Primarily you might see or hear teacher's mannerisms in their attitude and voice, even facial expressions sometimes! This stage lasts till around age 12.
Primary influences here – are peer group and extended family, neighborhood etc.
I also feel that it is around this stage that the media starts playing a huge role – This is a topic all on its own – I believe the media can influence our children and even adults very negatively. Although the media has positive influences as well!
Kids watch all these music video’s with half naked anorexically-skinny pop artists, or strong overly muscular guys dancing around – and they start thinking /understanding that to be somebody, to get somewhere in life, you have to look like this. Think about photo shop and how flawless people are on the cover of magazines – these are the idols that our kids start looking up to – and they’re fake!
Between plus minus 12 and 18, they evaluate who they are, as an individual, so here outside influences gradually start to loose influence – gradually…
3 In situations where a child wants to look like other children at school from their hair to what they wear; what is the conversation parents should be having with their kids?
Most importantly – I think – be patient with your child. They have to navigate all these stages in order to find out who they actually are and what the things are that truly matter to them in life. That being said – you as parent have the right and the responsibility to put your foot down if need be.
Some situations need guidance; others need a very firm intervention from your side.
As I’ve mentioned a little earlier – self-image starts forming at a very early age, if you have lain the foundations of a good and positive image, throughout your child's life, this stage that your referring to would most probably not last too long.
But a good conversation to have for example is to celebrate uniqueness. I firmly believe that we were created as very unique and different individual beings, for a reason – the world would be a very boring place if we were all alike. So you could perhaps take some positive influential people and point out their differences to your child, in a relaxed and conversational manner. And guide them to the same conclusion – it’s our differences that make us special.
Important again – this is not one conversation – this is a constant conversation starting at a very young age and continuing on until early adulthood.
4. Self-esteem in children; how does a parent instill and sustain it?
Many things have already been suggested, but just to re-cap:
- Start as early as you possibly can
- With positive words and loving and caring behaviors
- Love unconditionally –this gives them the message “ I don’t have to prove myself or be someone that I'm not”
- Let them learn to do things for themselves – this teaches them to think about themselves as capable human beings
- Acknowledge and celebrate their achievements – but don’t critisise mistakes at all!! This will lead to self-doubt which will cause major problems with self-esteem later on
- Celebrate uniqueness and individuality
- Don’t judge them – be the constant thing in their lives that they can bargain on, this also means that you should not be too strict – choose your battles. If you alienate them by being overly strict, they might rebel even more.
- Don’t fight in front of your kids – bad mouth each other because a child sees him/herself as 50{97fa4f7e3f90de63208dbf923bf7383c3bb584adf96b64fde63584d1e00110d6} my mother and 50{97fa4f7e3f90de63208dbf923bf7383c3bb584adf96b64fde63584d1e00110d6} my father – so if my dad is being made out as a pig and untrustworthy, I am definitely on a subconscious level going to start questioning myself in that respect as well
- I read the nicest quote: Alvin price said:“ a parent should fill his child’s bucket with a positive self – esteem, to such an extent that the rest of the world cannot pierce enough holes in the bottom to cause it to run empty”
- If you can manage this – I believe, although your child might venture a little of the tract, he/she will eventually find their way back.
5. Are there cases that become severe in how a child perceives themselves and not like what they see; what are the steps to be taken by parents?
O yes, very definitely. The first thing that comes to mind is eating disorders – for example bulimia and anorexia. It's an attempt to look thinner – but often times a lot more is going on in these cases, but this is a very serious and definite indication that this is a problem situation, constant dieting or exercising – to an unhealthy extent. In extreme cases, self-mutilation, suicide attempts…
Sexually promiscuous behaviour – also a big one, this happens when children start seeking approval, love affection, that feeling of worthiness in in appropriate ways, and this is very definitely a big symptom of a low self-esteem – im only loveable when I …
But also less severe symptoms such as constantly criticising themselves, doubting their abilities, withdrawing from family and friends, extreme self-consciousness, any and all of these could be possible indications of a bigger problem on the horizon.
So if your child is presenting with any of these more severe symptoms or behaviour, my advice would be to seek professional help as soon as possible.
With regards to the less severe indications, keep in mind that this could be the start of bigger problems, so keep your eye on him/her. Spend some more quality time together and try and boost that self – esteem with positive feedback and comments and all the suggestions given previously. If you don’t see an improvement – seek help.
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