Every couple fights. It’s a result of different perceptions, needs and expectations. Fights, tension, being angry or upset with our partner are uncomfortable, but they are normal in long-term relationships. 

We each bring different “selves” and different experiences of family into our adult partnerships. The attachment theory reflects on how we, in situations of discomfort or conflict with our partner, fall back on pre-occupied and controlling, avoidant or dismissive and so-called disorganised attachment styles and behaviours. This we do when we feel insecure and a need to protect ourselves. 

Fighting (arguing) raises the question about how “safe” we as individuals feel in a relationship. Are we comfortable with who we are and at times feeling vulnerable? Is my partner my friend or my rival? Must I always be right? If my partner disagrees with me, is he/she right or wrong – are maybe just see things DIFFERENTLY, which is neither right nor wrong? Our intention should be that it is me and my partner versus the problem, not me versus my partner. 

In general, we all seem to communicate constructively in our daily encounters with each other. Communication is about being heard and to maintain or seek connection, and not to punish, withdraw, or prove a point. Choose to be considerate and remember, respect is non-negotiable in all our communications, even when fighting. 

It is suggested that we refrain from more serious discussions when we are not in a good space physically and/or emotionally, being already upset, tired or hungry. Dealing with conflict essentially is about managing our emotions. When our emotions run high, we become less rational, rather defensive and less constructive with an unlikely outcome to resolve the matter at hand. So, when things get too heated or our emotions run high, that’s the time to take a break, walk away from the room, calm down and return to address the issue. But this is agreed beforehand so that this also does not become a point of contention.  

Issues remain unresolved if we do not come back to finish the conversation. We may even agree that I am not good at arguing face to face; than write it to your partner. If we can manage to argue in a constructive way, it can bring us closer as partners. 

Constructive communication is about listening – listening to understand and not listening to defend. Managing to do this allows for the opportunity to resolve the issue at hand. If issues keep coming up repeatedly, either it remains unresolved, or it may indicate unresolved deeper problems, as is the case with insults, manipulation and stonewalling. When this happens, seek professional help. 

A healthy relationship recharges you. Ending a fight on a good note helps repair and strengthen the relationship. This is done when agreement is found on going forward. A positive conclusion fosters forgiveness, kindness and emotional reconnection. 

Do you want to fight more fairly? Consider the following: 

  • Become your own best friend 
  • Allow your partner to also become your best friend 
  • Time your introduction of a difficult topic 
  • Listen to understand and not to defend 
  • Ground when upset 
  • Complete the conversation 
  • End on a positive note 

A final thought: The word “fighting” should be understood within the grammatical context of the present continuous tense. It will always be with us, so we can just as well work at getting it right.

The Author: Dr Peter Schultz (Social Worker specialising in addictions, couple counselling, family support, parental guidance and trauma)

More about Dr Peter Schultz: https://www.vitanova.co.za/meet-the-team/peter/ 

To schedule a session with the author or any of our counsellors at Vita Nova, please contact us on 0712979992, or go to www.vitanova.co.za. We offer a range of counselling services and have interns that can provide you with assistance for free if you are not in a position to afford therapy.

For 24 hr assistance on mental health matters contact SADAG on 0800 567 567

Help is always available.