“How do I know that this relationship I am in; is a good one?” is a question that we at the Vita Nova counselling center are often asked. The mere fact that the questions is asked in the first place, shows that so many people are genuinely confused about what makes a relationship a good one.
In many ways though, the answer will depend, to a large extent, on the specific individual asking the question. We all need different things when it comes to relationships, but, there are certain universal principles, or actions, that I feel, should be part and parcel of your relationship, if you would like to be one of those seemingly “lucky” couples who has it all.
Some of those principles include the following:
Expectations; be realistic!
The first point I would like to discuss is our expectations from our relationship and our partners in particular. No relationship is perfect! Our imperfections as human beings, does not allow the existence of absolute perfection in relationships; it is, literally; humanly impossible. Know this. Come to terms with this and the inevitable consequences of this statement. If there is no such thing as “perfect” in relationships, that means that disappointment and hurt and tears will be a part of your experiences in a relationship; it’s normal…even in a good one.
Actions speak louder than words!
The second principle; regarding our actions in a relationship, is also very important. In a good relationship, it is not about whether we get angry at each other, or hurt one another or are upset or feel neglected…it is about what we as individuals, as well as we as a couple; actually decide to do about the situation when it comes knocking at our door. When you have caused your partner hurt, acknowledge this and find something that you can apologise for sincerely. When one feels neglected, make the effort and invest time. The difference between a good and a bad relationship, lays in the way we handle the difficult situations that threaten the well being of our relationship.
Take responsibility!
We have to realise that; in most cases we are not merely passively at the mercy of this relationship but that we are in fact, actively co-creating the relationship we are in. In a bad, toxic relationship, people tend to continuously blame one another for unhappiness or misunderstandings, finding fault with the other person’s actions and or words. All this leads to, is more hurt, resentment, justifications and counter attacks. In a good relationship however; both individuals are able to take a good, hard look at their own personal contributions to situations and take responsibility for them, acting accordingly to rectify the situation as far as possible.
Grow together
So many people complain that they are stuck in a relationship with a person that they don’t even know any more. “He/She is not the person I married!” If we just take a step back, though, and look at this objectively, we will realize that change is a given…As we go through life, we are continuously adjusting, learning, adapting and growing. Therefore your partner is not married to the same person he/she got married to either! In bad relationships, people often effortlessly drift apart, weather knowingly or not. The secret to a good relationship; lays in growing together. Growing together implies; staying connected; which in turn implies that we need to actively create time for one another. Way easier said than done in today’s world, but it is absolutely crucial if we want to actively create and maintain a healthy relationship.
In closing; relationships are not easy. They do take effort; weather we would like to admit it or not. Be realistic when it comes to your expectations of your partner, realise that you are just as imperfect as the other person in your relationship, but that how we handle difficult situations is crucial. Remember that it takes two to tango, that the only person you can control is yourself and therefore taking responsibility of your actions and choices is a definite must. Always remember that a good relationship is created, not a given, and therefore; you have to make time to actively invest in your partner and your relationship. Take these principles to heart and actively go and incorporate them into your relationship!