The word bullying seems to fit better with a playground incident between school children than it would in a conflict situation between two adults who perceive themselves to be in a loving relationship.
However, if we understand what it means to bully, maybe we can make more sense of certain relationship patterns which often become destructive for the individuals involved and their relationship.
Bullying can be described as simply “forcing one’s way aggressively or by intimidation,” and most of the time it is a repeated behavior. An essential prerequisite is the perception, by the bully or by others, of an imbalance of power. This imbalance of power can either be physical, financial, intellectual or emotional in couples relationships. The bully will often justify his or her actions yet the reality is that the partner on the receiving end registers each incident and must find a way to cope or respond to the bullying. Sooner than later the relationship simply is not what it used to be. Often the relationship dies in a slow and painful manner or one partner becomes passive and finds his or her own justification to endure or “handle” the bullying. Even though the bully in the relationship may think he or she is gaining an upper hand and has a sense of being in control, the damage to the relationship becomes clear.
Couples report losing the emotional and physical connection they once had, or living in fear and setting up emotional walls to protect themselves from their partners.
Now for the interesting question regarding bullying: why is it that a certain behavior, such as bullying, will happen over and over again and is hard to quit even though the consequences are by far more negative than positive? Even the bully knows this and often regrets his or her behavior in retrospect.
The answer? Because bullying can change the way we feel, quickly and on demand. We can use bullying to block our painful insecurities and use it to feel powerful, energetic, more alert and confident about ourselves.
Bullying can be seductive because it can feel good. When a person feels ashamed, weak, anxious or exposed, acting like a bully can quickly help to feel strong and “confident” in the moment. It is an unhealthy way to cope with uncomfortable feelings. Often, to admit to being a bully is even more intimidating, and it is easier to simply continue on the path of aggression and intimidation than to admit being abusive – admission means making oneself vulnerable and open to criticism which can activate further shame.
We also have to look at the bigger picture. Often psychologists will ask parents of a child who is accused of being a bully at school to look at their own style of parenting and relating to the child. Parents who displace anger and insecurities upon their children for a persistent need to control and dominate on a regular basis will have a much bigger chance of finding out their own child is becoming the bully at school. After all, the prerequisite for bullying, as we mentioned before, is the perception of an imbalance of power – it is so easy to fall into this trap as a parent, who obviously have a lot more “power” over his or her own child in the role as caretaker and provider.
The cycle of feeling powerless and then trying to make up for it in other relationships by being aggressive and intimidating can repeat for generations. Don’t get me wrong, parents need to use the power as caretaker to help shape their children’s lives, but not out of their own deficits and for the benefit of the child.
Are you stuck in a destructive cycle of bullying which has a negative effect on you, your partner and everyone else around you? Couples therapy is actually a wonderful opportunity where deeper personal problems and insecurities can be looked at in a safe environment. At the same time, couples involved in therapy can demonstrate their love for each other by accepting each other for who they are, which promotes healing at a significant level AND experience a much more rewarding relationship.