Trauma rewires the nervous system. It can leave those affected in a state of hyper vigilance, emotional withdrawal, or intense reactivity—even in relationships that are loving and supportive. That’s why safety isn’t just a luxury in relationships affected by trauma—it’s a lifeline. Creating emotional safety allows partners to shift from surviving to truly connecting.

For couples and parents navigating trauma—whether historical, relational, or situational—the healing journey begins not with advice or technique, but with safety. Emotional safety means knowing that one’s vulnerability won’t be weaponized, that expressions of pain will be met with empathy, and that attempts to communicate won’t be punished with silence or retaliation.

When trauma lives in the background of a relationship, every interaction can carry added emotional weight. A partner’s hesitation, tone of voice, or silence can trigger feelings of abandonment, rejection, or fear. This doesn’t mean something is wrong with the relationship—it means the nervous system is responding to perceived threats based on past experiences.

Research published in Frontiers in Psychology (2024) emphasises the importance of psychological safety in close relationships as a buffer against trauma-related distress. Couples who intentionally foster environments of emotional trust and acceptance not only experience deeper intimacy but also greater individual wellbeing.

So what does safety look like in practice?

It looks like a partner slowing down during conflict, saying, “I’m listening. I’m not here to fight.”

It looks like checking in after a difficult day and asking, “Is there anything you need from me right now?”

It looks like responding to emotional pain with warmth, not logic; connection, not correction.

Safety also involves boundaries. Trauma can lead some individuals to overextend or people- please out of fear, while others may isolate to avoid vulnerability. In healing relationships, boundaries are honoured—not ignored or punished. A partner saying, “I need a little time to process before we talk,” must be met with respect, not abandonment. For parents, safety is equally essential. Children often reflect the emotional climate of their caregivers. When parents model open emotional expression without shame or suppression, children learn that their inner experiences are valid and manageable. A parent saying, “I get overwhelmed too sometimes, but I’m here and we’ll figure it out together,” offers a powerful message of presence and resilience.

Importantly, safety doesn’t mean perfection. It means repair. When something goes wrong—a harsh word, a forgotten need—healing couples return to the moment with humility. They say, “I didn’t show up the way I wanted to. Let’s try again.”

As trauma expert Dr. Bessel van der Kolk writes, “The body keeps the score.” And in relationships, the nervous system keeps track of connection, disconnection, rupture, and repair. The more safety is nurtured, the more the body—and the heart—begins to believe, I am not alone. I can be myself. I am safe.

The Author: Linda-May Roodt (Specialist Wellness Counsellor)

More about Linda-May Roodt: https://www.vitanova.co.za/meet-the-team/linda-may-roodt-specialist-wellness-counsellor/

To schedule a session with the author or any of our counsellors at Vita Nova, please contact us on 0712979992, or go to www.vitanova.co.za. We offer a range of counselling services and have interns that can provide you with assistance for free if you are not in a position to afford therapy.

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Help is always available.