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We are all searching for the perfect mate. We know that there is no such thing as “perfect” yet we still secretly hope to find it. We fall in love and usually after the initial excitement wears off, some relationships flourish, while others falter or stagnate. The start of great relationships with others lies in understanding. Understanding yourself and the things that are most important to you as well as understanding your partner. By enjoying the similarities and understanding the differences, and learning to enjoy them, all relationships have the potential to flourish.
One sure way to understand yourself and your partner better is to understand the important role that temperament plays in our functioning. Temperament refers to those aspects of an individual's personality, such as introversion or extroversion that is often regarded as innate character traits rather than learned behaviour. Knowing about temperament can help you understand yourself and your partner better.
When working with couples, I prefer to use the Keirsey Temperament Sorter to determine the couple’s temperament type. This test was developed by Dr Dawid Keirsey and divides temperament into four basic categories. The Keirsey Temperament Score divides temperament into the following characteristics that function opposite form one another:
• Extrovert vs. Introvert
• Sensible vs. Intuition
• Thinking vs. Feeling
• Perceptive vs. Judgemental
After completing the test, you will find yourself with a temperament combination that consists out of the above mentioned character traits. These character traits make up the four basic temperament types, each with their own sub type. All the types differ in what they need, in how they experience the world and how they make decisions.
Any temperament type can have a successful relationship with any other type. A successful relationship depends more on non-type-based factors, such as goals, core values, culture and religious beliefs. However, understanding your partner's temperament type is generally very beneficial to your relationship because it will give you a better understanding of your partner's way of thinking and their needs.
Most of the time, people are attracted to partners similar to themselves but with some different characteristics that can compensate for their weaknesses. It does happen however that some people find themselves attracted to their exact opposite. Have you ever heard the saying: Opposites attract”? If happens often that on some level we connect with people different from us. These relationships do however have a higher learning curve, but if the couple can learn to communicate effectively, their relationship is likely to be very powerful.
There are advantages to having a partner who has the same temperament type than you. You have an instinctive understanding of each other's thinking and ways of doing things. You are likely to have similar priorities. If you also share the same values, you are likely to get along uncommonly well. It also, however, comes with its own set of difficulties. One is competition. Another difficulty is that both partners have similar strengths and weaknesses. The third area is potentially the most dangerous, especially if the couple has children. Having the same personality type can cause constant reinforcement of some of the worst characteristics of that type. In any relationship the two people need to be able to compromise and communicate effectively.
It is important that I state that having a particular temperament type does not mean that you are not still responsible for your own actions or that you can't change certain behaviour or thinking patterns. You are still in control of your own actions and thoughts and you have the ability to change behaviour. Knowing your own and your partner’s temperament type is not a way of manipulating each other, but to understand each other in a better way.
Because relationships are need driven, both partners need to understand their own needs and the needs of their partner. Knowing your temperament type does not mean that you will have the perfect relationship, but it provides you with a guideline in how to better understand yourself and your partner. The Keirsey Temperament Sorter is a very helpful tool in understanding what your needs and the needs of your partner is. This knowledge can aid to effective communication and a deeper sense of acceptance between you and your partner creating a stronger and more intimate relationship.
“People are different from each other…no amount of getting after them is going to change them, nor is there any reason to change them, because the differences are good” Dr Dawid Keirsey