I think it's very important to note that there is no such thing as the perfect person. We're only human and therefore per definition, anything but perfect. So therefore both you and your partner WILL at some point disappoint or be unable to meet each other's needs completely.
You can't expect your partner to be able to meet 100{97fa4f7e3f90de63208dbf923bf7383c3bb584adf96b64fde63584d1e00110d6} of your needs a 100{97fa4f7e3f90de63208dbf923bf7383c3bb584adf96b64fde63584d1e00110d6} of the time; that is totally unrealistic.
When it comes to evaluating your specific relationship; I think you'll definitely know if you are just tolerating the situation, you'll have a pretty strong gut feeling that things aren't what they are supposed to be and often times we don't know why it is that we feel this way.
What I suggest, is that you go and identify the specific needs that you do have; go and list them; be they Social, Physical, Spiritual, Emotional, Cognitive – and the list just goes on and on – go and list all these needs and prioritise them. Then spend some alone time thinking about the part that your partner is playing and the extent to which he/she is able and or willing to meet these needs.
Generally speaking – if you are in a relationship where the majority of your needs are being met – you are in a healthy relationship. With regards to the remaining 20{97fa4f7e3f90de63208dbf923bf7383c3bb584adf96b64fde63584d1e00110d6}, communication is of the utmost importance! Often times our needs aren't being met, because our partners don't know that we have them! You have to communicate your needs. Don't be afraid to tell your partner what it is that you need from him/her.
2. Balancing your own needs and the other person's, should it be a 50/50 scenario or is it about “me first”?
I guess the short answer to this would be communication and compromise is key – and they are, but let's face it: our own individual needs being met, is very important to us; we as human beings are need driven.
We enter into a relationship with the hope, the idea and the expectation that this other person will – without fail – be the answer to all our prayers. He/she will miraculously be able to meet any and every need of ours, as and when it arises. The problem is your partner enters this relationship with the same expectations of you, but with his/her own unique set of needs. What we end up with in effect – is almost a situation of 2 people sitting around waiting for the other person to fulfill all their needs, waiting for the other one to start making them happy…
But here's the thing and this is something that I tell each and every client that walks through my door: a relationship can and will not work if it's a 50/50 relationship; in other words if you are 50{97fa4f7e3f90de63208dbf923bf7383c3bb584adf96b64fde63584d1e00110d6} committed and or invested and your partner is 50{97fa4f7e3f90de63208dbf923bf7383c3bb584adf96b64fde63584d1e00110d6} committed – it has to be a 100{97fa4f7e3f90de63208dbf923bf7383c3bb584adf96b64fde63584d1e00110d6} from both of you.
If I am 100{97fa4f7e3f90de63208dbf923bf7383c3bb584adf96b64fde63584d1e00110d6} invested in “us” – the focus changes from “what I am not getting from you/our relationship” to my contribution to the relationship – how can I be the best partner possible.
As I said communication is extremely important here – if you are in a stable, healthy relationship; where approximately 80{97fa4f7e3f90de63208dbf923bf7383c3bb584adf96b64fde63584d1e00110d6} of your needs are being met, and you as a couple are able to communicate healthily and effectively, sorting out this balance, should not be too difficult.
I want to add to this though that effective and healthy communication is not at all easy – it takes a lot of practice to get this right, but that's a discussion all on its own. In short – try and focus on your contribution to the relationship and often times your partner will respond by doing the same and then some sort of balance is acquired.
3. Are there certain expectations as men and woman that we should never compromise on and or ones we need to down on?
Absolutely and definitely YES to both of these. There are certain core values that are of the utmost importance to each and every one of us. For e.g. if I have the emotional need to be able to trust my partner and that is extremely important to me, I should not compromise this need at all!
If it's a moral or a belief system and its extremely important don't compromise.
With regards to toning It done, I heard the nicest thing the other day – “you can't expect a table to be a chair” and this is very relevant here, you can't expect someone to be something/someone that he/she is just not. But I do believe you can move or turn a table or a chair a little to the left or the right, if you understand what I am saying.
4. If my partner meets 70{97fa4f7e3f90de63208dbf923bf7383c3bb584adf96b64fde63584d1e00110d6} of my needs and my aim was for him to meet 80{97fa4f7e3f90de63208dbf923bf7383c3bb584adf96b64fde63584d1e00110d6}, do I go ahead and send the wedding invitations, or not consider marriage at all?
As I mentioned before there are certain core values or belief systems that are just absolutely non-negotiable. If those core values and expectations form the bulk of that 30{97fa4f7e3f90de63208dbf923bf7383c3bb584adf96b64fde63584d1e00110d6} that aren't being met, in my personal opinion – don't send the invites.
If however the unmet needs are smaller, relatively unimportant things, you might feel that they are a bit easier to overlook/sacrifice, keeping in mind that sweeping issues under the rug will not make them go away – not in a million years.
But remember 70{97fa4f7e3f90de63208dbf923bf7383c3bb584adf96b64fde63584d1e00110d6} is still a high percentage so it might be relatively easy to work at your relationship as a couple and get that percentage up to the healthy 80 mark. We so often expect love to be easy – it's not! It's a lot of give and take a lot of hard work.
You can't for example expect to be the best soccer player if you don't put in the time and the effort into practicing and working on your skills. So why is that we think a relationship should be easy!?
I do believe that we as human beings can learn, can adapt and change, so is it possible to turn a 60 or 70{97fa4f7e3f90de63208dbf923bf7383c3bb584adf96b64fde63584d1e00110d6} relationship into a healthy 80 – absolutely – IF both parties are willing to put in the time and the effort.
So in conclusion; relationships are need driven and our needs being met to a healthy degree is of the utmost importance when it comes to happy unions/partnerships. That being said – focus on meeting your partners needs to the best of you ability and often times, he/she will respond by doing the same for you. Move the focus to your contribution, but do so while still keeping in mind that your needs carry equal weight in a healthy relationship.
Communication and compromise is of the utmost importance – but be true to yourself.