By quality conversation, I mean sympathetic dialogue; where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly uninterrupted context. If one complains that their spouse does not talk, it does not mean literally that he or she never says a word. It means that he/she seldom takes part in sympathetic dialogue (quality conversation.
One may ask, what is the difference between words of affirmation and quality conversation? Words of affirmation concentrate on what we are saying whereas quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing.
A practical situation is when one spouse tells the other of the stress he/she has because of work-related problems…. the quick response from the other spouse is to give advice. The big question is why… is it like that in many relationships? As spouses we often respond like that because,
Many of us… are trained to analyse problems and create solutions, we forget because we are not taught that marriage is a relationship not a project to be completed or a problem to be solved.
In the practical situation mentioned above, the expected response from the spouse might be sympathy. Every spouse wants to be listened to.., to be given attention…, to know that you understand their hurt.., stress and their pressures. They want to know they are loved. They do not want advice. The plea is quality conversation.
A relationship calls for sympathetic listening with a view to understand the other person’s thoughts, feelings and desires. We must be willing to give advice but only when it is requested and never in a condescending manner. Most of us have very little training in listening; we are more efficient in thinking and speaking. Learning to listen may be as difficult as learning a foreign language, but we must learn if we want to communicate love.
Practical tips to effective listening
Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking. It keeps your mind from wandering and in return it sends a message that he/she has your full attention.
Don’t listen to your spouse while doing something else. Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. If you are doing something you are keenly interested in, you cannot turn from it immediately e.g. watching TV, reading newspaper. Tell your spouse the truth. “I know you are trying to talk to me and I am interested, I want to give you my full attention. I can’t do that right now, but if you give me ten minutes to finish this. I will sit down and listen to you”.
Listen to feelings. Ask yourself, “What emotions is my spouse experiencing?” When you think you have the answer, confirm it. For example: “It sounds to me like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot ……………..” That clarifies his/her feelings and also communicates that you are listening intently to what he or she is saying
Observe body language. Tears, trembling hands etc. give you clues as to what the other is feeling. Ask for clarification to make sure you know what she/he is really thinking and feeling.
Refuse to interrupt. The objective is not to defend myself or to set you straight; It is to understand you. I give you my undivided attention while you are talking.
You might be saying: “I have been blind to what was going on, I have never tried to understand, I was too busy giving advice. Only now do I understand how I hurt my spouse……….”
But you can choose to apply this today and experience success in your relationship.
Tina Molekoa Vita Nova Counsellor
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