The responsibilities of being a parent can be both physically and emotionally draining. Our biggest task could very easily be the countless decisions that have to be made on behalf of our children. Many of them are made on a daily basis, sometimes without spending too much time pondering over them, for example, helping with homework, deciding on an errand to run or filling out school photo forms. Not only are we faced with these smaller mundane choices, but we are also faced with having to make those bigger, life changing decisions. These decisions would include deciding on schooling for our children, where we will live, how to deal with discipline, or even how the smallest decision now will impact on the opportunities for our children later. These can be quite challenging. Of course we can feel overwhelmed by the enormity of a decision which will inevitably impact on our children’s future. We can, however, easily talk ourselves in circles around some big decisions and never really get to actually making one!
So how should we go about making these decisions? Often I’ll be thinking about just these everyday decisions when my son or daughter will ask what I’m thinking about. Once I share it with them they will sometimes offer a solution that is so simple, it actually works! I like that they are involved in smallish encounters like that. Why not involve your children in some choices?
So, first we need to look at who needs to be involved in the decision making process. Depending on their age, your children can also be included in some family decisions. We shouldn't be scared to involve our children. I had this experience recently. I was trying to think of something to cook for supper for just myself and my two children one night (my husband was in a meeting at work). It was a Thursday evening and as I was going about my normal chores for the day, I was also thinking about what meal to cook for the evening. My daughter kept asking for a picnic, and seeing that it was a week night, I said no. While I was still trying to sort my evening out, I see both my children in the kitchen. One started to make sandwiches for them and the other took out lunch boxes and started packing in yoghurt, fruit, biscuits and some other odds and ends. I stood back and watched as they comfortably went about their picnic packing business. They weren’t being rude or disobedient, they did ask first. But that’s really what they wanted to do. So I left them to carry on. They were kind enough to include me in their food packing. They even took out the picnic blanket and everything! Off we went to the big grass area and had our picnic. It was a lovely evening and the biggest reward was that there was no nagging to finish a meal they actually didn’t want. After they ate, they played some outside games, rolled down the hill, played hide and seek amongst the bushes and climbed some trees. It was a spontaneous decision made by my children that worked out well for everyone in the end.
With the above example the children felt comfortable enough to involve themselves in making a decision. Financial decisions as an example should not need to include our children. For these bigger decisions a slightly different approach might be needed and the ultimate conclusion should be for mom and dad to make.
· I would suggest that as parents we need to do our research with regards to the pending decision at hand. Find out everything we need to know. Make an individual list of pro’s and con’s for yourself. This can shed some light on the decision and may make the decision easier. If you and your spouse make these bigger decisions together, one can still compose individual lists, but then will have to make time to go through the lists together as a couple.
· If your children are at an age where they can discuss their feelings about things, get them to air their views. Their emotional input might just make or break the decision. I remember I was about 9yrs old when we needed to move to a new house. We all went together to look at different houses that were on show every Sunday. My mom had narrowed the choice down to two houses. She asked me and my sister to draw up a list for each house: our likes and dislikes about each house. Surprisingly, the first house had an equal amount of likes and dislikes, the second had a much longer list of likes than dislikes. This made a huge impact on the decision. The big thing to take note of here is that the parent makes the actual big decision (the house move). Only after houses were selected, then the children were included in helping with the decision by being allowed to be involved. My mom still had the last say. The decision making approach should not be to burden our children with decisions that we as parents are supposed to make.
· Lastly, be positive about the new decision with your children. Our house move included a move in schools. There was no getting around it. No matter how big the change was going to be or how much we didn’t want to move, making new friends was definitely on the cards. And so we were encouraged, supported and helped along by our parents and teachers. We can choose to make that big decision better and easier for our children to cope with. If we are not comfortable with the decision that has been made, our children may sense this and also not be happy with it.
Once you’ve done ALL your research, looked at all the positives and negatives and made sure you have all the facts in order, your family can go ahead and make a decision. And stick to it! Be satisfied with your decision. It won’t help to keep double checking or being unsure after you have gone ahead with the decision. Remember, don’t be afraid to involve your children in decision making. Sometimes children come up with some simple answers when we tend to over think things.
Happy parenting!
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