In a perfect world there would only be one kind of family…A family with a mom, a dad and two children. But we do not live in a perfect world and the nuclear family has become something of the past. Sometimes couples split up, people get divorced or a spouse dies. Does that mean that you have to be alone for the rest of your life? My opinion is NO – all people want and need relationships…we all want to be loved. With this article I would like to give you some suggestions in introducing your new love partner to your children and how this process can be made easier with the right understanding and tools.

Most people get a knot in their stomach when they think about introducing there new partner to their children. So many things can go wrong…What if they don’t like him? What if he ends up not liking them? How am I supposed to choose? I’ve got good news, you don’t have to choose. You can have both romantic love and the love of your children. I will start with my first suggestion:

Suggestion 1: Think about your child’s feelings and the grieving process

When parents get divorced or when a parent dies, the entire family goes through a grieving process. Your children are grieving too. Things are changing in their lives, without them having any say in it or control over it. Now put yourself in their shoes…imagine how scared and unsure they are. All children, just like adults, go through their grieving process in their own way. You can, however, be certain of one thing: some or other time in the process they become angry. This anger will make it very difficult for them to accept someone else in your life. So what can you do? Be aware of your child’s grieving process and allow them to verbalize and share feelings. After loss (separation, divorce or death) a child needs more stability and predictability than normally because this gives them a little bit of control over a life that they don’t control anymore. This loss of control and comfort is very difficult for all children to handle. Remember that they did not choose this and they did not choose your partner. Don’t expect them to just accept it.

Reassure your child that you will always love them and that choosing this new partner does not mean that you will love them less. Children might manipulate you by saying things like: “You don’t love me anymore” “If you are mean, I want to go live with my daddy” “This is all your fault” “You never loved us” etc. These statements can hurt a parent, yet I need you to remember that statements like these are either projected anger or manipulation. In all of this remember that your child is grieving and scared of losing all control over their lives. Some emotional fluctuations are normal and you will have to deal with these and allow your child to verbalize them.

Suggestion 2: Keep your child’s age and developmental phase in mind

Young children are; more often than not, better at adapting to change than older children, especially teenagers. But all children need a sense of safety and structure. When introducing your new partner to your children; remember that a teenager would probably be more angry and resistant than a young child. Your child’s ability to handle emotions and life changes will also be dependent on their developmental phase. Don’t expect more than your child can give you. In explaining why this new person is coming into your life, note that young children might not understand it and older children might not accept it.

Suggestion 3: Keep your child’s unique process and temperament in mind

Children are all unique little individuals. Your child is born with her own set of individual traits. Some children are more extroverted than others, some children are more sensitive than others, some children need more of your time, and the list goes on. Upon introducing your children to your new partner keep in mind that some children need more time than others to accept this, some children might never. The more sensitive and emotional your child is the more difficult it might be for him. Give your child more attention and quality time and they will not start to ask for it.

Suggestion 4: Be the adult

This is a concept that might be very difficult to accept. YOU ARE THE ADULT…. Act like one. Your children deserve the right to a healthy relationship with both their parents regardless of the divorce. When a parent talks negatively about the other parent (and his/her new partner) children become very confused. They want to please you by not “liking” the other partner. You make your children responsible for your happiness and you make them a throwing block for your pain. This is very unfair and your child should never have to make the choice between two parents. If you have unresolved issues/emotions deal with them, your children should not have to.  

Suggestion 5: Rules without relationships results in rebellion

You cannot go into a household and immediately start changing things and making rules. If you are the new partner, please keep in mind that the children are already scared and uncertain. You are not there to replace the other parent, you came into their lives, and they did not choose you. You need to build relationship with those children. Take time to get to know them individually and note that some children will take longer to accept the situation than others.

Suggestion 6: Timing and introductions are important

If you would like to introduce your new partner to your children remember that there is a time and place for everything. Make sure that you have the time to talk to them and to answer all their questions about it. It is also advisable to organize the first meeting in a fun and neutral place where the children will feel more relaxed.

Your first impression will last on the children. You need to be respectful of them and their already vulnerable family unit. Help to make them feel safe. As the parent you must prepare your children for this meeting the best you can. Usually when children are prepared they feel more in control and safe. This will make them a little bit more comfortable.

I have given some suggestions and tips on introducing your new partner to your children. There really is no good or bad time….. There really is no sure way of knowing how your children will react. You simply need to be aware of all the possibilities and handle them as they arise. Please do not introduce a new partner into your children’s life every couple of months. The children might build a relationship with this person, only to lose it. Make sure that your relationship is stable and that you have long term plans. Respect and keep your children’s age, feelings, temperament and situation in mind when preparing and planning this meeting. Expect some resistance to the process; change is scary for all children. Assure them every day that you love them and keep them in a structures and predictable routine. Do not bad mouth the other parent because of your anger/sadness. Your child needs both he’s parents to be adults. Most importantly, if you are the new partner, take time to get to know the children and be respectful of them. Don’t just come in and change things, they will resent you for it.

If you feel that you or your child is stuck in the grieving process, consider taking your child to a play therapist. During therapy children can learn the tools on how to express feelings in a healthy way and how to adapt to their new circumstances. If you feel stuck, consider seeing a therapist/counsellor that can help you with your unresolved issues/feelings. I believe in people’s ability to heal, some people (children) just need more support and that is where therapy comes in. Don’t wait until it is too late and don’t be stubborn. There is no shame in asking for help.

Happy parenting.