If you are in a relationship; arguments are a given. No matter how much you love someone, or how committed you are to that person and your relationship; disagreements and differences in opinion are; unfortunately; a part of the packaged deal.
The difference between couples who make it and couples who don’t; lies to a large extent in how they approach these disagreements and differences in opinion. It is sad to say that; in most relationships, when these little obstacles start rearing their heads, it quickly turns into conflict. Each individual in a relationship sticks to his/her guns, believing undoubtedly that he/she is right and that the other person is wrong. The conflict then turns into a session where one tries to explain to the other or tries proving to the other one just how wrong he/she is. It quickly escalates from there into all-out war. The point of the game here is winning the fight.
It is all about who has the strongest foot to stand on, who can bring up the most evidence in support of his/her claim – often using the past as a big weapon against the other person’s onslaught. It is about defending my actions, by rationalising them on the grounds of the other person’s actions or behaviour.
Unfortunately; the fact of the matter is; the more we engage in this specific battle, the more we bring to the forefront these weapons of mass destruction, the more hurt we cause one another and the further we push each other away; and as a result ; the bigger the emotional distance between us gets.
Each couple has their own unique battle play – an almost scripted dance that they keep on repeating time and time again. And each individual has his/her preferred set of ammunition. Take a moment to think about this for a while.
What would be examples of these weapons of mass destruction?
· Bringing up the past in a hurtful way
· Attacking your partner’s character
· Ignoring someone; sulking, manipulating
· Using your children against your partner
· Interrupting your partner when he/she is trying to talk
· Negative body language, facial expressions or tone of voice
· Dismissing your partner’s viewpoints or emotions
· Screaming, shouting, swearing
· Physical abuse
· Breaking things, slamming doors
These are but a few examples. I bet, while reading through this list, it was easy pointing out or noticing your partners weapons of choice…could you identify yours?
So how do we as a couple win every argument?
Start by identifying your own weapons of choice. Now envision your relationship as a young child whom you and your partner have created together. Take your weapons and aim them at this child. Play around with this mental image for a while and try to identify ten reasons why these preferred, almost predictable behaviours of yours causes your relationship harm.
Sit together and come up with a new code of conduct; new rules of engagement if you will, for the two individuals involved to follow, to abide by, an agreement that will keep this relationship – child of yours safe while you sort out your differences in opinion.
It is important to remember – you can only keep your own side of the bargain. You are not and cannot be held responsible for the other person breaking his or her side of it. Therefore, the opposite is also true – your partner CANNOT be blamed if you choose to break your side of the agreement. No matter what the other person does – you have to realise, that you are responsible for you.
Redefine what “winning an argument means”. Is winning an argument what happens when I can prove you wrong, when I can throw the most dirt…? An argument has the potential to destroy your relationship. On the other hand, sticking to your code of conduct, taking responsibility for your choices of behaviour and your reactions to your partner; can result in keeping your relationship safe – which, in my book, is a definite win for you both…
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