A very common complaint when it comes to relationships; are over involved and or meddling parents. To be fair keep in mind that you were – and will probably always be, to some extent – your parent’s baby. They were the people you were primarily dependent on for everything. They nurtured and protected you, worried over you, loved you and cherished you for the whole of your existence…they had sleepless nights over you, they fought over you, they sacrificed for you; their lives, literally revolved around you. .. Expecting this to change as soon as the ring hits the finger, is therefore, quite understandably; a bit unrealistic, especially if you get married young or out of the house. Therefore, firstly; cut them some slack (you will understand when you have little ones of your own). To be absolutely clear; this does not warrant or justify meddling in your relationship though. It simply sets the tone for the manner in which you handle this going forward. Here are a few tips that might help:
· Primary loyalties
Often times the meddling or over involvement is fuelled by one of the partners in the relationship –your husband might, for example be struggling to let go of the apron strings, or your wife might constantly be running to daddy to fix everything. The moment you get married to someone, that person becomes your primary family and that is where your loyalty lies; it’s the two of you against the world – and unfortunately your parents and your family of origin forms part of “the world”. Be very careful of criticising your spouse’s relationship with his/her parents; as this might result in worsening the problem or in creating a disconnect between the two of you. Remember that your partner’s relationship with his or her parents can be very special and very deeply rooted. It is going to take some time for your spouse to adjust to these new expected loyalties as well.
· Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries when it comes to extended family is crucial. You have got to be firm and clear about when, where and how it is okay for them to be involved in your lives. Don’t simply assume that you and your partner have the same ideas with regards to these boundaries; sit down with your spouse and discuss what role you would like your extended family to play in your lives.
· Communicate
Remember that your parents can and will only know that they have crossed a boundary, if you have communicated and explained the boundaries to them. Their intentions might be pure, honest and loving, and they might have no idea that they are coming across as interfering. Here it is important to remember that the person with the primary relationship shares the information to his/her own parents.
· Share the good
Compliment your spouse often in the presence of both your own parents as well as his/hers and share the good things about your relationship with them. This will make them aware of the positives in your relationship and will help them relax; seeing and experiencing how you are emotionally safe with each other. Remember that sharing the bad in your relationship with your parents, definitely taints their perception of your partner. Often times spouses have long since figured things out and worked through it – very much in love again, whilst the parents are still fuming and hurting for their child. You want your parents to be able to love and respect your partner as well.
· Include your parents
In my opinion, family forms an extremely important part of our lives and our support systems. Make sure that you include your family as well as your spouse’s family in your lives and that you create opportunities to spend quality time with them. You reaching out to your parents and making time for a quick phone call or a visit will also show them that they are still important to you, that you do not plan on writing them off and excluding them from your lives.
Through all of this; healthy and effective communication is absolutely critical. Be understanding and supportive towards your spouse as he/she comes to terms with the new loyalties that are now expected of him/her. Remember that you and your partner have to come to a mutual agreement with regards to where your family members fit into your lives. When communicating boundaries or expectations; it’s not the message that is given, but the how it is given that makes the difference.
In closing; your family can be an absolute blessing in your life! I hope by following these tips, you can experience exactly how big a blessing they can be!
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