To be quite honest, I’m dreading some difficult conversations I’ll have to have with my children at some point or another. One of which is the dreaded birds and bees conversation. When I thought about why I’m dreading it so much, I realised that it’s not really the conversation as such, but more the questions they are going to ask that will probably make me feel a little uncomfortable. Sadly, most schools seem to cover this topic as part of the curriculum at an age that is way too early for my liking. I would prefer that my children hear this kind of conversation from me and my spouse, but we’ll see how it turns out in the end.
Over the years though, my curious children have asked me many, many questions. Some of which have already lead to those dreaded awkward, uncomfortable moments.
Here are some of those awkward moment questions:
Mommy, if you go to heaven, will you become a child again?
What does heaven look like?
Are people naughty in heaven?
Does Jesus get cross if people are naughty in heaven?
Are Pirates real? (Yes.) When can I meet one?
Why is Daddy allowed to get pudding if he didn’t eat all his food?
How will Father Christmas get into our house if we don’t have a fireplace?
When is Jesus going to visit at our house?
Why do you have tears when you are happy?
Why weren’t me and my sister at your wedding?
Why do you always shout at me? Jesus doesn’t like that.
Why don’t you ever buy from the people at the robots?
Why can’t we say “stupid” if it’s in the Bible?
Can I please sleep over at my teacher’s house?
Will Father Christmas die? (No.) But you said everyone has to die.
If Daddy has branches at his work, does he work in a tree?
Why do I need to wash my hands if I’m eating with a fork?
I have had some others about swear words which I will refrain from putting in this article!
And let’s be honest, if we don’t give our children a good enough answer (and they kind of know if we are not giving them enough information) they are just going to keep on asking. Or worse, ask someone else; probably a friend at school. So how do we answer these questions honestly and accurately without giving some willy nilly untruths as answers?
Here’s how I do it in 3 simple steps:
1.) Remain calm! Do not be overwhelmed or flustered into an answer. Try not to fly off the handle, shout, laugh or ask demoralising questions which might belittle them. They won’t come to us with their questions anymore.
2.) Ask them where they heard it? Or how did they get to hear about that? This will usually put you in the picture as to what they actually want to know.
3.) Ask them what they think it means. This gives them a chance to explain what they are thinking it means. Usually they are close enough to a truth which they can believe for now. If they are way off the topic you then can correct them.
Take their age into account as well. A long, drawn out explanation is usually unnecessary. It might be completely misunderstood and only half of it remembered. A simple explanation is sometimes all it takes.
Here’s an example of how I applied this technique not too long ago. My son was jumping on the trampoline and casually asked “Why don’t Grandad and Nana live in the same house?” (Just to put you in the picture, Grandad and Nana are divorced and have been for many, many years. Neither have remarried and so both live alone.). Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would need to explain divorce to my own children. Divorce of parents is difficult enough to explain, let alone grandparents.
1.) With thoughts of “How do I explain this one?”, and fears of broaching a subject I felt quite unprepared for, I simply sat back calmly in my chair. Of course thoughts were racing through my head and I was formulating responses which involved love and being friends forever, etc.
2.) Still jumping, with his head popping over the wall every now and then, I asked him “What made you think of that?”. This usually puts the question in context as to what they really want to know. “I was just thinking they are lucky to both live in a big house all to themselves.”
3.) “So do you think they are happy?” I went on to ask him. “Yes,” he said, “They’re always smiling and I can visit at two houses. I also want a big house. Then I can get a puppy.” And that’s what his whole thought process was about at that specific time. A big house, a big garden and getting a puppy. There was no real need to go into a long explanation about divorce just yet. This can often put fears in a child’s mind that don’t need to be there.
With lots of couples struggling to make a marriage work in today’s life, I know he will ask me about divorce at some stage again. I will be a little more prepared for a more truthful answer and he will be a lot older and will be able to understand it differently.
Helping our children to find out answers for themselves is also a good way to help them build up their self esteem. Not only will they gain confidence in themselves but they will also not be afraid to ask questions. And that’s how we all learn. If we don’t know something, we ask questions. And who do we ask? Probably Google. But we still ask. If Google laughed at our questions how would that make us feel? We are our children’s very own instant Google search engine. We are in fact helping them to build on their general knowledge.
No matter how difficult or awkward we think a question that our children asks us is, we have to remember that they absolutely believe what we tell them. They think their parents know everything and will give them the correct answer. Whether our answer is the whole truth or just partly true, we have to make a concerted effort to quench their thirsty little minds. They learn to trust us as parents with the answers that we give. And if they can’t trust their parents to tell the truth, who on Earth can they trust?
Happy parenting!
Article by Counselor Michelle Swart