Well… seeing as you're reading this, it seems that we have all survived 21 December 2012 and are still alive and kicking; staring a brand new year squarely in the eyes!
But what if you are one of the many people “stuck” in a dead end relationship who actually wishes that the world would have come to an end just so that you did not have to wake up next to that same person… ever again; (your vows did say “till death do us part” and not a minute longer, after all) only to now be faced with the reality that it's you and your partner; again, starting a new year… together… again…
Rest assured; you are not alone. As I have mentioned many times before, relationships go through many different phases and, as sad as it might be, that “absolutely-head-over-heals-in-love-phase” does not last forever!
So what do you do now – yes divorce or separation is an option. Yes it would probably solve some of the issues… but there has to be some truth in the saying; “out of sight out of mind?” You might be arguing – “hallelujah and amen… exactly!” but hear me out.
If there is but the faintest glimmer of a speck of hope for the two of you, even if it's just a tiny little thought whispering to you from somewhere in the back of your mind; a faraway “what if” or a soft and unsure “maybe”… I urge you to read on.
I believe, that if you hear that little whisper of doubt when contemplating separation or divorce, ask yourself the following:
1) Have I really given it my all?
2) Have we tried everything there is to try in order to remedy this?
These questions might sound like they ask almost the exact same thing, but read them again.
The easiest thing to do when things take a turn for the worst is to blame someone else. So this first question deals with responsibility. Have you really, honestly taken a long, hard look at your own personal contribution(s) to the problem? Have you tried to work on that aspect of your relationship?
You might, however, have answered yes to the first question: I have given it all I've got…
When working with parents, giving advice on discipline and routine, I often get an awe struck- “you must be the perfect mother” remark. And I burst out laughing: “are you kidding me!?”
You see, when we are personally involved and -present and emotionally invested in a situation, the insight we have into said situation is extremely limited! How many times have you stared at a problem for hours, only to finally call in a friend or a colleague who; with a fresh set of eyes, solves it for you in minutes? Sometimes you need the outsider, the objectivity, the no-personal-involvement to get you started; sometimes “your all” is limited… which brings me to the next question.
Let's say both of you have really tried to make it work, both of you have claimed your contributions and have actively started to work on it, only to find that you get stuck in the same patterns of interaction over and over again, despite all your efforts to not go there.
You fight, it gets ugly, and it gets out of control. You end up exactly where you used to end up before all your resolutions. It takes you days to get over this, to mend it all, to try again, new resolutions, but a little more tired. A little more worried that this isn't going to work, a little more broken…
Have you tried all there is to try? I know many of you have your reservations about counselling. Many people don't like the idea of someone else telling them what to do, or someone else thinking that they “know everything”…
I urge you though, to give it a try. Sometimes you need that outsider; a trained, registered outsider… sometimes all you need is a fresh outlook, a new idea, a little inspiration.
And if one on one relationship counselling scares the living daylights out of you; attend a relationship workshop – safety in numbers:) – Practically applicable tools that you and your partner can use to enrich your relationship. This would, at the very least be something new to try…
I am not saying; hold on for dear life and never ever give up, if you have truly given it your all and both agree that this cannot and will not work. There is a point at which to call it quits and move on. But until you haven't truly exhausted all possible avenues… I say fight. Fight for the relationship you want, fight for those two people who fell in love with each other way back when… fight for the potential you saw in each other then.
This is a new year, a new start, a year filled with brand new possibilities and options, new challenges, surprizes, heart aches and joys… if you are looking at 2013 with a heavy heart, if you are wary of what lies ahead. Listen closely for that little whisper… and if it's there…
I wish every one of you a prosperous and blessed new year.
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