The number of marriages that ends in divorce has increased rapidly together with the trauma that it creates for all the parties involved. When children are involved during a divorce, it becomes allot more complicated. How do we tell them? When do we tell them? Where are they going to stay? Do they have to change schools? A lot of planning needs to go into minimizing the traumatic impact that divorce will have on your children. During this article I will list some do's and don'ts regarding the handling of divorce with your children.
1) Do make sure that divorce is the right decision for you
Most couples will go through difficult times during their marriage. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship and sometimes taking the easy way out is not the best solution. Make sure that divorce is what you really want and don't make emotional choices that you might regret. It is always advisable to seek professional guidance to help you in making the right decision. Talk to a marriage counselor to make sure that you are making an informed and right choice.
2) Don't make the children part of your conflict with your partner
Children should never be involved in their parent's fights. They deserve to have a good relationship with both their parents, regardless of their feelings for each other. Don't fight in front of your children and never involve them in your fights.
3) Don't tell your children about the divorce until it's been decided
Never threaten your partner with divorce in front of your children, or tell them that if your partner doesn't change you are going to get divorced. They should not be involved in games being played or threats being made.
4) Do tell your children together and be honest
When the choice is made, I would advise you to tell your children together. When mom tells them one story and dad tells them another story the children will be very confused and this will add to the trauma that they have to face. You need to put your differences aside in the best interest of the children. Be honest with your children and don't tell them stories that might give them false hope that you might get back together. I find that the following is a good way to break the news “Mommy and daddy are not going to be married anymore. This means that we are going to live in separate houses. We will always be your mommy and daddy and this was not your fault.” Children are very egotistical – this means that they believe that everything that goes wrong in their lives are their fault. You need to constantly reassure them that this was not their fault and that you still love them very much.
5) Do prepare your children for the upcoming changes
Prepare your children for the upcoming changes. All children find change very threatening and they will act out when they feel unsafe. Don't tell your children about the divorce and move out with them the next day, this change is too sudden and they have not been prepared. To prepare them I prefer a calendar or other concrete methods. Show the children when the move will happen, show them on a map where they will be moving to. Drive and show them the new house/schools. A calendar can also be used to illustrate when the children will be visiting the other parent.
6) Do get things back to normal as soon as possible
Because children don't like unpredictability you need to get them back into a good routine as soon as possible. They need to feel safe within predictable boundaries and routine. Make sure that the routine are the same in both houses. If the children have on set of rules in the one house and a different set of rules in the other, your children will not feel safe and they may become manipulative. This will only make things much more difficult for you and your children. Get the children to sleep in their own rooms as soon as possible. Letting them sleep in the bed with you is comforting but this will be very difficult to stop once everything is settled. Rather get into their beds to read them a story than letting them sleep in yours.
7) Don't make your children part of adult emotions or conflicts
Your children should never be a part of the conflict between the parents. Subjects such as maintenance should never be discussed with your children, it's not their responsibility. Don't bad talk your ex in front of your children. They never have to feel that they should choose between the two of you. Just because your marriage didn't work out, does not mean that you were bad parents. Parental alienation is a very negative occurrence and makes the trauma of divorce much worse for your children. Your children are not responsible for handling your emotions. Something as innocent as telling them “mommy is going to miss you very much while you are visiting daddy” can make your child feel guilty and put them in a very bad position. If you feel that the trauma of the divorce is too difficult for you, please seek the support of a counselor to help you.
8) Do set up a parental plan
A parental plan is a formal document that you and your ex should compile with regards to your children. This can be done through the family advocate and puts things like maintenance, visiting times, holidays, school fees, rules and routine in a legal document. This provides safety to both parents that changes can't be made without consent. This document can be revised every year. When two people can't agree on the terms of the parental plan, I would recommend that they make use of a mediator to help them. This is usually a social worker who specialized in mediation.
9) Do observe your children and handle their feelings
Observe your children's behavior during and after the divorce. They will have lots of questions and concerns and you need to deal with that. Allow them to express feelings of anger, fear, insecurity and sadness (it's okay for them to feel these feelings). Let them know that you both love them and that you will always be there for them. If you observe behavior from your children that worry you (like bed wetting, nightmares, very bad tantrums and withdrawal) talk to a play therapist so that you can help the children deal with these feelings in a positive way. Never be too proud to ask for help. Both parents need to realize that the children might find this very difficult to deal with and some children need additional help and support.
10) Do understand that these changes was not your children's choice
All the changes that is being made in their lives was not their choice. They will need time to handle their feelings and you can't force them to accept the choices made. When introducing a new partner to your children make sure that the relationship has long term potential. Limit the amount of people that you introduce to your children. Understand that they did not choose your new partner either and their respect should be earned.
Remember this: Rules without relationship results in rebellion!!!!
You can never expect children to follow your rules if you don't have a relationship with them. Building this relationship takes time. You as the other parent should allow your children to build good relationships with step parents, without making it more difficult for them.
I hope that the tips I gave you in this article can be of help if you and your partner are going through a divorce. This is never an easy process and all the people involved will be hurt. But this doesn't have to ruin your children's lives. They love both of you and deserve a positive relationship with the both of you – filled with love, acceptance and patients. When you are concerned about your children please contact a play therapist or child counselor so that the children can have additional support. Take care of each other and be the adults (not children), even thought it might be difficult. You need to understand that your children will look at you and you will become the example that they will follow.