Those in committed relationships will concur; when you've been together for a while, certain patterns of interaction start to cement themselves into your daily routine.

Firstly, conversation tends to center around responsibilities, work, the kids, extended family; stuff like whose going to take the dog to the vet and so forth. The only true “you-centered” communication seems to be the arguments that you get into, and often time it’s the same argument over and over again – sometimes disguised as a uniquely different argument, but if you look closely enough, it’s the same ugly thing rearing its head.

How do you break this destructive pattern of interaction? You take control of the one and only thing you can take control over – yourself, your reaction to situations, your contribution to it all. Proverbs says that a fire won’t keep on burning if wood doesn't get added to it all the time-so stop adding fuel to your argument. Way easier said than done – I acknowledge that. But as I constantly say; you've got to start somewhere, and this is as good a place as any to start.

When you’re angry, hurt or frustrated, the immediate natural instinctive reaction is to self-defend or launch a brutal attack of your own. But if you can manage to override this natural; self-destructive urge to do so, and focus on communicating your feelings, you have already gained a lot.

While reading this, this would probably be the point where many of you would start rolling your eyes and going “oh please!”, but hear me out.

If you are not constantly trying to defend yourself by counter attacking your partner (or attacker), it will be easier for you to try to listen with the intent of understanding him/her, not understanding the words per se, but understanding the hidden meanings; the hurt that has been caused. If we listen with the intent of understanding this, it will be easier to let go of the need to counter attack; seeing as feelings and experiences are subjective in nature; it cannot really be disputed, can it? And since we are very seldom really trying to hurt our partners emotionally, it will be easier to apologize –not necessarily for what has been done, but more for the feelings that we have caused through our actions.

On the other hand; if you are the one who has been hurt, try and make it as easy as possible for your partner to listen, truly listen without experiencing this constant need to self-defend. Therefore focus on communicating your feelings, rather than the issues at hand.

Always remember that what is being said takes a true backseat to how it is said. Your tone of voice, your body language, eye contact; all of these could make or break this.

So try and take control of that which you can, choose to communicate emotions rather than issues – issues can be factually disputed;subjective experiences…not so much.