As a counsellor who is very soon welcoming her first baby, I’ve been very intentional about preparing and supporting myself for this earth shattering change that is becoming a mother. As much as I have been preparing for my birth and the arrival of our baby and the care and things she will need, I have also been researching on how I can best support my mental health after her arrival. Whether you are about to bring a baby into the world, your partner is or you have friends or family that are about to navigate postpartum, this article should help you feel prepared.

In today’s western society we talk a lot about the baby, not the mother. We pay attention to the infant, give gifts to the infant, visit the infant….and we don’t talk so much about what the mother has accomplished and what we can do for her.

Postpartum  is the period following childbirth. It’s a time of significant change and recovery for the mother. The postpartum period generally lasts for six to eight weeks, though the return to pre-pregnancy physical and emotional states is much longer and can vary. This period involves physical recovery, hormonal changes, and emotional adjustments for the mother. It’s also a time of bonding with the newborn and establishing routines.

Postpartum is like a garden. If you don’t know how to care for it you’ll always feel like you’re getting it wrong. But when you understand the seasons, rhythms and gentle care it needs, you’ll watch it grow into something beautiful. The right knowledge, tools and mindset can transform the postpartum experience.

I feel like currently the birth preparation get’s the spotlight. Or we are bombarded with perfect nursery pictures and what baby gear we absolutely need to purchase. Postpartum gets silence and this can make moms feel overwhelmed, alone and like they are doing something wrong once they are experiencing it. What if it’s just that we were not well prepared?

When we are not prepared and don’t have a support plan in place the first few weeks can feel extremely overwhelming, isolating and make us miss the magic of the newborn phase. With the right preparation and support in place postpartum can be a phase of faster healing, less guilt and or worry and a time of real bonding and joy.

So here are the four steps I am taking to support my transition into motherhood:

  1. I will be reframing success to prevent burnout, self-criticism and feelings of guilt
  2. I will make a detailed postpartum support plan
  3. I will track my mood, energy and wins to better get to know this new version of myself
  4. I will acknowledge the transformation of myself. Becoming a mother is a huge transformation and I am going to welcome it with open arms.

Why reframing success matters

Social media has been a double edged sword for me during my pregnancy. On one hand it has helped me so much in preparing and normalising my experiences. But is has also put me under unnecessary pressure because social media can paint a unrealistic picture of pregnancy and motherhood. If we’re not careful we start measuring our success postpartum in unrealistic ways – spotless homes, bouncing back, perfect nurseries, loving every second of the raw new beginnings, breastfeeding and “doing it all.”
If we’re not mindful of these unrealistic expectations we have of ourselves in (early) motherhood it can create a narrative of guilt, anxiety, and exhaustion.
We actually get to define success in a way that serves our unique selves. And I am planning on doing this as follows:

  • Creating a ‘Done List’: I fed my baby, I rested where I could, I took a deep breath before reacting, I asked for help
  • Daily reflections: How did I take care of myself today? How did I show my baby love today? What am I proud of today?

When we reframe our success and take time to reflect on our progress rather than our perceived failures we welcome compassion and pride, instead of anxiety and guilt.

Building a Postpartum Support Plan

Postpartum is arguably one of the most intense physical and emotional transitions you’ll go through. When we try to figure it out as we go we can quickly feel overwhelmed and/or isolated. Creating a Support Plan firstly helps us internalise that we shouldn’t be doing this all alone and therefore asking for help is encouraged. And secondly, it helps us be prepared when we need it the most, instead of having to figure this out in the middle of our overwhelm. Moms with a solid support system and plan experience better recovery, lower stress, and more confidence.

This is what I will be putting in my ‘Support Plan’:

  • Who to contact for emotional support. Who in my environment can I contact who listens without judgement, who can relate to postpartum intensity and who can just hold space for me? Is this a friend or family member or do I want to explore online counselling or therapy?
  • Physical support. Do research on what to expect and need for your physical support after a vaginal birth or C-section. Have all the goodies at hand you might need and have contact details for a lactation consultant, doula or physical therapist specialising in pelvic floor health. As much as suffering and pain seems to have been normalised for mothers, this is not the truth. When something feels off, painful of just uncomfortable, make sure you advocate for yourself and know where to find the right support.
  • Household support. Make a plan on who or what can support you with meals, groceries and cleaning. If possible, you as a mama don’t want to be busy with any of the above for at least 3 weeks, ideally much longer. Make sure you either meal prep, make use of friends and family to drop off nutritious meals or use delivery apps for your groceries and essentials. But set up a plan for the above daily tasks before baba arrives.
  • Baby care breaks. Explore who can come in on a daily for those first weeks who can give you a break from caring for your baby. This can a 100 percent be the father or partner, but if that is not an option, who can you ask for support. Even if it is 20 minutes a day for you to take a shower, brush your teeth or take a short nap.
  • Have a good think on what boundaries are important for you and your partner beforehand, so that they become a lot easier to uphold and communicate. How soon are you ready for visitors? Who are you comfortable with having over soon after baby has arrived? How do you communicate your limits in a respectfully way to you partner?

Tracking your mood, energy & wins

Postpartum is not a straight line, it’s a rollercoaster. When we are intentional about checking in with ourselves we remain grounded, we can start to notice patterns, and we are more likely to ask for support before things start to spiral for the worst. Tracking also takes the fear out of the unknown. It helps you see that the hard days are temporary, and that you are doing so much better than you think.

Ways I plan to check-in with myself every evening:

  • How was my energy today? (1- 10 scale)
  • How was my mood today? (describe with one or more words from an emotion wheel)
  • What was one (small) win today? (I showered, I drank 2 litres of water, baby was cuddled and fed, I did some stretches)

This check-in can be done however you like, you can write it in a journal, you can make voice-notes or create a templet on Canva and keep track digitally. It’s important to have a record so that you can start recognising patters. When you had an elevated mood, what was the small win the day before that for example?

The transformation

Giving birth to a new identity may be as hard, or even harder than the act of giving birth to the actual baby. Becoming a mother changes we as woman feel ourself to be. It expands our identity. The identity shift we face after giving birth is hard. Like shedding a skin that no longer fits, we must say goodbye to aspects of ourself and ways of being and doing that were part of our previous self, and we must grow into this new role as we work out what that will be.

Motherhood can be so deeply beautiful and at the same time devastatingly brutal. Sometimes it is difficult to express and identify exactly why. We know our bodies will physically change, our time will be more precious, our day-to-day activities will be different. But less commonly acknowledged are the intense changes to our biology, our identity, our beliefs, our independence or our purpose. Less commonly acknowledged are the challenges of ambivalence, the mental load/divided mind, dependence on others, lack of control, disappointment, change in our relationships and the motherhood penalty.

Becoming a mother is more than just a single moment in time it is a complex and dynamic evolution. People expect you to be happy while it feels like you’re losing control over your entire life. It’s more than just learning how to change nappies and make really strong coffee. It’s an identity shift.

My mantra for my postpartum is “I am getting to know my baby, and I am getting to know this new version of myself.”
Remember that it is possible to be a good parent while still having mixed feelings about being a parent.

However, if feelings of extreme sadness, irritability, changes in sleep or eating patterns, and you experience difficulty bonding with the baby and these symptoms persist for longer than two weeks, please contact your healthcare provider. This can be your GP, your midwife or your gynaecologist. These can be symptoms of postpartum depression which is a serious condition that can affect the mother’s ability to care for herself and her baby. Bringing in support from your healthcare team can give you quick access to treatment which often involves a combination of therapy and medication. Prompt support can help manage symptoms and improve overall well-being and can help new parents regain their emotional well-being and strengthen their bond with their child.

Knowing the causes of distress and feeling comfortable talking about them with others is critical to growing into a well-adjusted mother or parent. And when I am back from my maternity leave, I will be honoured to offer a safe place to all new parents as a counsellor.

The Author: Juliette Ramotsehoa (Specialist Wellness Counsellor)

More about Juliette Ramotsehoa: https://www.vitanova.co.za/meet-the-team/juliette-ramotsehoa-specialist-wellness-counsellor/

To schedule a session with the author or any of our counsellors at Vita Nova, please contact us on 0712979992, or go to www.vitanova.co.za. We offer a range of counselling services and have interns that can provide you with assistance for free if you are not in a position to afford therapy.

For 24 hr assistance on mental health matters contact SADAG on 0800 567 567

Help is always available.