Even at a young age, your children can be exposed to a variety of negative life experiences. Children use a lot of their energy just to grow and learn, and exposure to trauma can have a negative impact on their development. Unfortunately life happens. Sometimes people die, or we have to move house or change schools. Sometimes parents get divorced, or separate. The problem is that most of the bad things that happen, we don't have control over, and that’s okay. The only thing we can control is how we deal with it and how we help our children deal with it. Through this article I would like to share with you how children, in their different age groups, experience loss and how we can help them deal with it.

Loss is something that we can't prepare for most of the time. Sometimes we as the adults find grief so overwhelming that we forget to think how our children might experience it. Things that might seem simple to us, like moving house and changing schools, can be very difficult and threatening to children. We, as adults, are more equipped to deal with changes than children are. ALL changes are difficult for children because they need predictability to feel safe. Does this mean that they can't be helped to feel better, NO, they can. But in order for us to help them we need to understand how they experience loss during their different age groups.

1.    Group 1 – Ages 0-2 years old

Babies do not understand or recognize death like we do. They do however become aware of the separation from that person (death or divorce) and they might try to seek the presence of that person. They can also show despair when their attempt to find that person is not fruitful. Because babies can't emotionally and verbally express themselves, they will show their discomfort through their behaviour. They can show their grief in the following ways:

  • Crying
  • Irritability
  • Unresponsiveness
  • Regression to earlier stages in development
  • Some children experience an arrest in development
  • Clingy and separation anxiety

As you can see babies don’t have the cognitive and emotional capacity to understand loss or separation. Because they can’t talk to you about it, they mostly do their grief work on a physical level. This means that they might show physical signs of discomfort, like nausea or tummy aches.

How can I help my child during this age group?

  • Your child must be told on a regular basis that he/she is loved, wanted, important and special
  • Give your child the opportunity to express discomfort and reassure them
  • Be aware of your own reactions to loss because babies are still very aware of your behaviour and reactions
  • Your child needs to re-establish a secure attachment – this means that you need to provide a structured, predictable and nurturing environment for your child

2.    Group 2: Ages 2-5 years old

Between the ages of 2 – 5 children develop their thinking capacity – they are however not anywhere near cognitive maturity. Loss experienced at this stage undermines their self-confidence and they all of a sudden experience their world as unsafe. When children feel unsafe, they can’t go through the normal developmental stages, and they seem to be more anxious and scared.  This may result in your child being very clingy and having separation anxiety: “What if mommy doesn't come back”. At this age children are also very egocentric – this means that they think everything (good and bad) is about them. They might feel responsible for the loss and experience extreme guilt feelings: “I was naughty, that is why daddy moved out”. They also don't understand the irreversible of loss. They will ask a lot of questions and they might be confused over the answers you give them. Here are a few examples:

  • In the case of divorce; children of this age will try to negotiate with their parents – “I will be very good if daddy comes back”
  • In the case of death, children think that the person might come back. I know of a specific case where every time the child heard a car, she said “Mommy, Daddy came home”. This is and can be very difficult for the grieving parent because you constantly need to tell your child that the person is not coming back

Regression is also prevalent during this age group. Your child may start thumb sucking, bed-wetting and experience sleeping problems. They might also revert back to baby talking and play helplessness. 

How can I help my child during this age group?

  • During this age group the main problem is that the child experiences a lack of connectedness with the person – as a parent you must provide as much physical touch and affection as possible
  • Your child must feel important and wanted
  • Give your child jobs and tasks – this gives them a sense of accomplishment and control
  • Give your child jobs and tasks – this gives them a sense of accomplishment and control
  • The goal is to get your child connected with life again and the path is through YOU
  • Never stop talking to them about the loss, answer all their questions as honestly as you possibly can
  • They might also need some objects like photographs, presents or mementos – helping them make a memory box is a fun and creative way to help them deal with grief
  • Make every day structured and predictable – concrete aids can be very helpful like a calendars and reward charts

3.    Group 3: Ages 5-9

During this age group children become curious about death and what happens after one dies. They want to know what happened to the body, and they start to become worried about bodily functions. They would ask questions like “If mommy is under the ground, how will she eat? How will she breathe?” During this age children also ask the question “why” often. They are developing their reasoning skills – this can make things a little difficult because providing logical reasons for loss can prove to be a challenge.

Children might start to act out during this age group. They tend to be more angry and disruptive. They will also question you and this might come across as being difficult. During this age group children will start to go through the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness and acceptance.

How to help children deal with grief during this age group:

  • Allow your children every opportunity to talk and express their emotions
  • Here the approach is encouraging, loving, honest and educational
  • Make them part of the rituals surrounding the loss
  • Keep their lives as predictable as possible
  • Get back to a normal, healthy routine as soon as possible

If you feel that your child might be stuck in the grieving process, play therapy is recommended to help them deal with loss.

4.    Group 4: Ages 9 to adolescence

During this age, a child begins to develop a greater cognitive ability to understand the finality of death. Children during this age group almost have the worst of both worlds. On the one hand they experience the full impact of loss and on the other hang they don’t have the life experience to deal with it. They also start to think about their own immortality. This can create a variety of mixed emotions and fear.  Children can also try to hide their feelings. Children during this age group go through all the stages of grief – they can however get stuck at being angry. Anger can be easier to handle than sadness. During this age children also tend to take out their anger on the people close to them. This can be very difficult for parents, but give your child the opportunity to express he’s/her feelings.

How to help children deal with grief during this age group?

  • Allow and help your child express feelings of anger, fear, confusion and sadness
  • Play therapy can give your child the opportunity to deal with grief effectively
  • Don’t take it personally – some children can get very angry and blame their parents for the loss

In general objectives in helping children deal with loss is for the child to accept the reality of loss; to go through and deal with all the emotions surrounding loss; the need to work through the emotional pain. Children go through the same feelings as adults – sorrow, anger, guilt, anxiety and fear. Children need assistance in the adjusting process. As mentioned; children experience change as threatening and negative. As adults you have the responsibility to help your child deal with changes by providing structure and routine. Help them adjust to their new environment, give them responsibilities and tasks. Help your child re-invest in life.

Loss is never easy. We can’t always predict or control it. We need to be aware of our own reactions to loss. Children learn from us and look up to us. If the adults in their life are stuck in the grieving process they will also be stuck. It’s very important that you handle your own grief, even if it means going through a therapeutic process yourself. Don't be ashamed to show emotions in front of your children, but be aware not to make them feel responsible for your feelings. Be aware that your child’s anger is normal, help them express it and don't take it personally. Help them make new connections and form new friendships. They sometimes need permission to go on and to be happy. They don't need to feel guilty for moving on. Please help your children be guilt free and happy. Good luck for those going through the process of loss.

Vita Nova Counselling can help you and/or your child deal with loss.  

“Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realise that nothing really belongs to them.”  Paulo Coelho