It’s true that money can’t buy love, but I am sure that it wouldn’t come as a big surprise to learn that financial differences in relationships are one of the major role players when it comes to unhappiness or arguments between couples. Couples who cross our path here at Vita Nova are no exception.

Many couples report that they have avoided financial discussions initially, some even for quite a while, after starting their relationships. Reasons for this vary; some say they didn’t want to come across as too interested in money, others felt their finances were none of the partner’s business at such an early stage of the relationship. We also have individuals who feel that finances are a very private matter, and should stay a private matter; even despite being married for several years. Not surprisingly the spouse generally disagrees and feels very frustrated with the secrecy and uncertainty surrounding it all.

In my opinion; for true intimacy to exist in a relationship, both partners need to feel absolutely safe, protected and respected. And the question here is whether the manner, in which you are handling your finances in your relationship, influences you as a couple positively or negatively. It is not necessarily a question of who is right or wrong, but more a question of; how do we make sure that our ways of tackling financial issues make each other feel safe, protected and respected.

But why is it that two different people can think about and approach money matters so differently? And; not only are there differences in how individuals approach finances, but we also differ in the value we apply to money. As with so many other things in life, our examples we had as children, does have an influence here. Other things that influence our approach to finances are: culture, age, gender and our financial experiences growing up. No two individuals see or experience life exactly the same way, therefore differences in your relationship are absolutely to be expected. So what now? How do we handle this complicated issue in our relationships?

Here are some suggestions:

  • Have open and honest discussions surrounding your past experiences of and around money matters; both with regards to growing up and with regards to previous relationships. Hopefully in so doing; it will create some insight and understanding into some of your differences.
  • Work together to set some financial goals that both of you are comfortable with and come up with a plan of action! Remember that compromise is essential.
  • Agree upon a certain amount that would serve as a threshold amount – any spending that reaches or exceeds this amount needs to be disclosed, shared or discussed; depending on your mutual agreement.
  • Absolutely crucial: do not keep financial secrets from one another!

In closing

No two people see the world exactly the same and therefore; differences in opinion are a given in relationships. Just a word of caution though; money is a tangible aspect in life, so it is very easy for individuals to project more emotionally laden issues onto financial matters. If you suspect that your money quarrels might actually be driven by other underlying issues, or if you need some help getting on the same page with regards to money matters; give is a call.